Journeys with Jodie

A Perfect Day in Pasadena

2012-01-17T01:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, after a long morning of applying to jobs, I decided to shoot over to Pasadena. It's only about a 40-minute drive from Long Beach, and I was eager to explore another new area. I intended on seeing Old Town Pasadena, but I have to admit, I was more excited about scoping out two filming locations from the iconic '90s series, "Beverly Hills, 90210." :)

As I cruised up the street with the address I had googled, I wasn't finding it. Though all the houses looked similar, I knew I'd recognize the Walsh home immediately, and I wasn't seeing it. I saw a lady outside watering her plants, and I stopped to ask if I was in the right place. I told her that I wasn't seeing the address, and said, "is the address East or South?" Ahhh, and then it made sense. "Keep heading up and around, and eventually it'll turn into East."

And so I did. And oh, my God, there it was!!!! The famous driveway, home of Brandon and Brenda Walsh! (Minus Dylan's classic Porsche, of course). It was extremely surreal. Just a normal street with local people, doing their thing. As I parked the car and went to snap a picture, a guy was out walking his dog. I approached him and asked if he'd be kind enough to get a picture of me in front of the famous home. "Do you know what's special about this house?" I asked him. "No..." "Well, it's the Walsh house from the show "Beverly Hills, 90210." "Oh! I knew it was around here somewhere," he said.

He happily snapped a picture and, as with most people out here, began a conversation. I had mentioned that I was here from Wisconsin and looking for a job. "What type of job are you looking for?" he asked, as they all do. "Well, number one, I'm a writer. I'd love to score a great writing gig, or just get into a great company doing ANYthing." "Well, have you contacted the studios? My wife works over at Warner Brothers. She's just in the finance department, but maybe she could steer you in the right direction." "Awesome!" I said. I gave him my information and went on my way. Such a positive vibe here. Love it.

I asked him which way to Old Pasadena and it wasn't far at all, so I headed there and cruised down Colorado Boulevard for a while. I passed Dylan's house along the way, just half a block down from Brandon & Brenda's. Old Town Pasadena is cute and full of great shops and restaurants. I attempted to find the old Peach Pit, but, as confirmed by my google searches, it's pretty much no longer recognizable. It used to be a Ruby's Diner, then was taken over and remodeled, and now it's vacant. Sad story.

My next stop was Main Street, Santa Monica, to job hunt some more, but I had to go past the Walsh house one more time. I remembered this blog I had read by another girl who'd visited it, and she'd actually met the owner and gone inside the house. I asked my pendulum if I should attempt to do the same. Three times it said yes. "Okay, what have I got to lose?" I said to myself as I parked the car.

As fate would have it, there was a guy putzing around in the backyard, and I said, "Excuse me, do you live here?" "Yes," he said, with a smile. "Is this...is this the famous Walsh house?" He put his towel down and walked toward me. "Why, yes it is." He smiled again. "Wow, this is a really nice guy," I thought! "Well, I'm here from Wisconsin and just had to see it, and I read online about a girl who stopped in to talk with you, so I thought I'd give it a shot." "Yes, I know the girl you are talking about," he said.

Before I knew it, we were talking about his relatives in Wisconsin and what he's up to nowadays and how he actually had fraternal twins who grew up in the house, just like Brandon and Brenda. He took me inside and gave me a tour, and we discussed many topics. We stepped back outside and he showed me where the basketball hoop had been that Brandon and his dad (and Dylan and Steve) used to play in the driveway, and then he proceeded to share a few behind-the-scenes stories about the actors with me.

Jack, as he went by, was a super sweet guy who said he has people stopping by every day. He was okay with it, didn't want to move, and doesn't regret any of it. Although he had to do some cleaning up whenever they were done with a shoot (cigarette butts, etc.) he said, "hey, I was getting paid for it and it was a great experience." He remembers having a beer with Jason and Luke in their first year, and getting to know all the kids. I filled him in on where their careers are today, told him why I'm here and he gave me some advice, smiled for a photo for my scrapbook and carried on about his business.

Star-Studded Sunday!

2012-01-17T00:58:00.000-06:00

This past Sunday, I headed over to Torrence, to visit the High School, which was the home of the fictional 90210's "West Beverly High" and also Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Sunnydale High. Not far from Long Beach where I'm staying, I got off the freeway and headed through what seemed just like a normal, working-class town. Strip malls, gas stations, restaurants, no big deal. And then suddenly..BOOM! The iconic building is staring me in the face! It's hard to miss, as it sits facing a triangular intersection.

As I ascended the front steps, I had to wonder how many famous feet had also done the same. It was so surreal and intoxicating. I snapped some photos, wandered around saw all I could, despite the gated entrances.

Satisfied, I headed onto Stop 2, which was Inglewood. I had heard to be careful, as "Inglewood isn't the ghetto, but it's not the safest area to be in." I wasn't worried. You see, I was headed to see Della Reese give a service at her church. Well, not HER church, but that's how I think of it. She calls it "Understanding Principles for Better Living," which appealed to me. Between you and me, I'm not a church-going kind of gal, but I AM spiritual, and I trusted that Della would deliver a beautiful sermon.

Ever since I can remember, I've loved Della. Her TV show, Touched by an Angel, as well as her many movies on Lifetime and Hallmark, have always held such positive energy for me. She was, in my mind, the wise Grandma who could guide you through anything and shower you with real love. Her deep, soulful voice was always comforting, and her spirit just seemed to say, "I've been through a lot, and I am strong for it. I choose to use that to help others, and I am full of tenderness."

Getting to Inglewood did require me to take a short jaunt on the infamous Crenshaw Blvd, but I felt totally fine, and got to the church just in time. I immediately received warm welcomes and took a seat near the middle of the church. I could see Della sitting up front, and rather than feel starstruck, I felt at home.

Soon we were instructed to hug our neighbors, and I received many warm embraces. All the regulars had noticed my entrance, despite my attempt to be discreet, and they were glad to have me there. After the Reverend spoke, he asked that one of the ushers take the microphone around and that all the "new guests" introduce themselves. "Just tell us your name and what brought you here." Oh boy. My hands got a bit clammy and my heartbeat accelerated a bit. I tried to prepare, but by the time it was my turn, all I could get out was, "Hi, my name's Jodie. I'm here from Milwaukee, WI, and I'm a big fan of Della." I got many smiles and nods in reponse, which made me feel good.

I settled in for what was a great service, full of positive energy and the melodies of a great gospel choir. Then came Della's turn to speak. It was hard for her to get up out of her seat, but she used her cane and gracefully moved to the center of the stage. She was wearing a turquoise outfit with pink and silver sparkly accents, and makeup to match. A magenta shawl covered her shoulders.

Rev. Della Reese's soulful voice filled the church and delivered a most inspirational message. In my head, I imagined her saying, "Jodie, my child," as she made her points. While she was talking, an usher named Michelle approached me and said, "Della would love to meet you after the service. We're all so very glad you're here, and you've come so far!" I couldn't have chosen a better place to be that day, and the message hit home for where I am in my life. Della spoke in a language that I understood and was able to apply to my life, and I felt like I had a great new support system.

Things were going just as I'd envisioned, and I was excited to participate in the Burning Bowl Ceremony taking place after the service. On a tiny slip of paper, I'd written down my intentions for 2012 as well as those things which no longer served me and that I wanted to release. I, along with the others, took my piece of paper outside, placed it into the burning bowl, and watched it burn.

Then came the big moment. Michelle took me over to Della and introduced me. She was this bold, beautiful black goddess standing right in front of me. She couldn't make direct eye contact, as her eyesight had failed a bit after she had brain surgery, I'd learned. She'd also lost a daugher, which I was unaware of. And so this 80-year old goddess stood and spoke with me, assuring me that she, along with the others at UP would make sure that my dream of find a job and moving here would come true, even if just through prayer and nothing else.

"Isn't her energy just so bright?" Michelle said to Della about me. "We'd be so honored to have you come back and be a part of our community," Michelle said. I assured her that if I stayed, I would definitely be back. It was wonderful being able to tell Della up close and personal how much I love her and her energy, and how impactful her service had been for me. I asked her if I could get a photo with her, and she gladly obliged. I leaned into her as she rested on her cane, and in that moment, I truly was touched by an angel.

I was glowing the rest of the day, and concluded with a Meetup at a cute Jazz Cafe in Culver City. The singer, Jay Jackson, is a local news reporter and can also be seen in shows such as Parks and Recreation and the Mentalist. His baritone voice created a smooth ambirance, and his wife, Karen, who organized the meetup, was super sweet. I met some more great people who were full of support, advice and encouragement. One man, Robert, who'd moved here not long ago from Detroit and was trying to make it as a filmmaker, told me I could work at LAX like he does, but then thought better of it, telling me "you're too pretty to lift heavy luggage every day."

Another man at our table, Byron, owned his own limousine service. Growing up, his best friend's dad had owned his own limo company and drove the Jacksons around. From that moment on, Byron had made it his dream goal to own his own company some day. And now he does, and he's driven Jermaine around.

As I drove "home" that night, I felt confident that the Universe was conspiring to make all my dreams come true.

What Happens in Venice Should Probably Stay in Venice

2012-01-17T00:56:00.000-06:00

Leave it to Venice to get the momentum going on this journey...

A friend and I drove down to Ocean Avenue last night, looking for the Jim Morrison building. After standing on her passenger seat for about ten minutes, posing against the bare chested backdrop, we decided to stop at a place called Harry's and grab a drink. Well, technically she wanted a drink. I was trying very hard to stick to my budget and my diet.

After landing a rockstar parking space, we entered just as the sun was setting against the horizon.It was particularly beautiful last night - even the locals were commenting. The palm trees stood proudly and softly in perfect formation, showing off the orangy-pink, purply-blue sky behind them. Up the street, the infamous Venice stringed light sign sparkled like Christmas. As street vendors carried their wares off the boardwalk and skateboarders headed to their hangouts, the robust ripeness of another Venice evening filled the air, intoxicating my senses.

One step from the car to the curb, and one more into Harry's. The beachy ambiance was enhanced with a cozy fireplace and candlelit tables. Over the speakers, you could hear songs like The Smashing Pumpkins "1979," "Ziggy Stardust " by David Bowie and Duran Duran's "Come Undone." As my friend drank a glass of wine, I interrogated the couple next to us about Venice and its surrounding areas, in terms of work, apartment living and socializing. The two women shared their opinions with me and offered some helpful websites. The shy blonde with glasses and tattoos, originally from Alaska, works in the television industry, freelancing as something or other, and claims that a place downtown, such as the studio in which she lives, would be most convenient for getting around to all the places I would like to go. Meanwhile, the other woman, born and raised here in LA, lives in nearby Palms and, unlike the blonde who offered much encouragement, simply said, "work hard, and work harder."

My friend and I thought Harry's may be a good place for me to apply as a waitress, so I asked him about it. "Well, we just opened in August and we keep getting busier..and it's only January, so I would do it! Bring in a resume." He continued, "You should also check out some places up on Abbott Kinney," he added, giving us a few hints. We decided to check out one of these places (J Gelina's) and see what they offered for food.

J Gelina's was busting at the seams when we arrived just after 6:30 pm, and my friend had some miscommunication with the hostess, so she thought we could just grab a seat by the bar. We were then informed we would have to wait an hour and a half to be seated, whether we chose a community table or private table. Starving, I said we needed to move on. My friend, obviously offended by the hostess's firm tone, was eager to leave. I, on the other hand, was excited to come back. Community dining?? What a GRAET way to meet new people! I love eating and chatting! Its dimly lit room offered a comforting ambiance and the food smelled great.

So, we meandered down the street, looking for the next thing to catch our eye. We ended up at Hal's Bar and Grille. As my friend prefers to do, she grabbed us two seats at the bar and settled in with another glass of wine while I stuck to my water and begged that we leave soon, so I could go home and shower. I didn't have anymore networking left in me for the day, and I would come back another day. Instead, she insisted I strike up conversation with the locals.

So, with no make-up and some dreadful hair, I approached the bartender with a question. As bartenders do, he responded above and beyond the call of duty. Not only did he lend a genuinely interested ear to find out what I was looking for, where I'd traveled and what places in the world I'd loved best, but he also shared some of his own bio with me. Seems the acting bug bit him a long time ago and took him to NYC, where he lived for a while, and then ended up all over, eventually landing in Venice Beach, where he happily now resides. The ice had successfully been broken, and we began to talk about travel, lifestyles, people, acting, writing, being an artist and what it's like to live and work in Venice.

Before I knew it, he was telling me that he thought I'd fall in love with San Francisco, which is funny, because in the last couple of years, countless people have also said this to me, and because of that, I am actually driving up there in a few weeks to check it out. Well, upon learning this news, Dennis, the neighborhood' s favorite bartender, told me he'd hook me up with a friend up near Berekely. His friend, as he described her to me, sounded so muc like me, that I was immediately intrigued. He shared with me the intersting way in which their friendship had formed, right there at Hal's, and promised me he would contact her for me. For all he knew, she may even have a place to rent to me!

By now, other locals had meandered in and I could sense a feeling of famliarity among them. They greeted Dennis by name, and he them, and then nodded or waved and said hello to their acquaintances throughout. Hal's isn't a huge place, but it's not cramped and crowded, either. It's clean, lit just right and had a live jazz band playing in the front. Couples and friends dined in the table area while others clung to the bar area for their usuals. Between me, my friend, the bartender and some of the locals, I was able to meet a myriad of awesome people, including a local artist and gallery owner who took the time to offer me some advice and honest wisdom.

Steven, a broad-shouldered British lad that you wouldn't want to mess with, was very tender in sharing his own life story with me and giving me the truth on the ways of Venice and the artists within. His sincerity, as with Dennis, was very encouraging. "This place is like Cheers, the TV show," he said with a chuckle at one point. "You know what's funny about that," I said..."is that when I was a kid, I used to watch that show and tell my parents, 'Some day I'M gonna find a place JUST LIKE CHEERS and everyone will know my name and welcome me!' (True story - my parents still tell it). Well, Steven was right- it WAS like Cheers; i had found a new home away from home, and the evening only got more interesting from that point on. At one point, there was a woman, who appeared to me to be local, finishing up her drink and salad just a few stools over. She had long, curly blonde hair, appeared to be in her sixties or so, and wore the "i've done it all, seen it all, been it all" face very well - with glitter to boot. "So, how long have you lived here?" I asked her. "Me? Where, here? In Venice? Honey...I live in COMPTON," she said as she firmly placed her empty glass down on the counter in front of her. Another local and new friend who is originally from Jamaica and is a personal trainer, had been answering my questions about the safety of Venice Beach and, upon hearing this woman's comment, let out a big "Yeah! A gorgeous white woman living in Compton! Love it!" We all chuckled and she gave him a look that said, "Yep, you know it, brother." I felt the love, and was glad to be invited into this diverse, close-knit cricle of creatives.

We were just about to leave when I was introduced by the local artist/gallery owner to another well-known local face named Noah, who, incidentally, said he could be found "slinging coffee" on almost any given day at the coffee shop down the street called Abbott's Habit. I told him I'd planned on stopping in there anyway, and would look for him when I did.

As my friend and I walked to our car and toward the beach, I could smell the pot in the air and see figures standing on porches, talking and laughing. One young man was singing along to Dave Matthews' "Satellite" as the waves crashed in the background. Ahh, Venice. I belong here. And now, everybody knows my name.

A few more things happened before we left, but I think that some things that happen in Venice...should probably just stay in Venice. :)

Oh, Hi!

2012-01-17T00:54:00.000-06:00

On Saturday, a friend and I took a day trip up to Ojai. It was a gorgeous day, to start; not too hot, which has been rare in SoCal since I've been here. It was nice to let someone else do the driving for a change, and just sit back and enjoy the ride. The valley highways seem so much more quiet than what i'm used to in the LA area. It was a peaceful respite from the hustle and bustle of the city, and the route seemed so simple and uncomplicated.

As we neared the city limit and Highway 33 became Ojai Avenue, the energy seemed to change. The tree-lined streets became cleaner, quainter and more personal. My friend, an avid rollerblader, was busy admiring the ongoing trail, supersmooth, level and wide, running parallel to the trees. It was as if we'd entered another world.

Nestled in the mountains, Ojai sits peacefully and perfectly. Ojai Avenue is the Main Street, and you can pretty much see the entire town in a minute. Spanish architecture features beautful archways along the sidewalk, where you can find plenty of art galleries, boutiques and novelty shops. The locals are friendly, laid-back and content with their low-key lifestyle. The air has a calmness to it, similar to the Pacific Northwest or Sedona, with a touch of Old Town Albuquerque.

After stolling along and stopping to enjoy fabulous treats at Ojai Coffee Roasters, my friend and I decided to hop on the trolley and get a free tour of the outskirts. For 50 cents, we got a 45-minute ride around the side streets, taking in picturesque, scenic sights that Ojai is known for. One of the passengers, an older woman, was saying, "Charles, sing me a song!" to the driver, who then went into a whistling version of Auld Lang Syne. "You know, my great great great uncle was the original singer of that song," she said. "Oh, yeah? Oh, that's great," Charles replied. "Sing me another song!" she said. And so he did, and on they went, talking about eras past. Charles played into her fantasies, making an old lady happy. It seemed she rode the trolley every day, and she and Charles had a routine.

Eventually, she got off at her house (I think Charlie would drop anyone off, anywhere in Ojai), and as she said her goodbyes, standing there in her long red coat, purple tights and black boots, she adjusted her glasses, tightened the bun in her hair, and gave a final farewell to those of us staying on.

Just as soon as she'd exited, an eccentric old man entered. He wore a plaid jacket, bright green hat with a feather, and a bag criss-crossed over one shoulder. He walked in his fancy leather shoes, relying heavily on his decorated cane. He had an air about him that said, "Sweetie, I've been around. I've seen it all, done it all, and I'm still here to tell about it."

Eventually we exited the trolley and headed back to our car. The sun was setting against the mountains, and the moon had risen in the sky. It was magical to see the red-orange of the mountains against the clear blue backdrop with a bright, shining light on top. We snapped a photo and, satisfied with our day, got back on the road.

I look forward to going back to Ojai for a spa weekend, and forgetting about the rest of the world. The locals welcomed me with open arms and the energy is so inviting that you can't help but wish to at least pretend that you can live in such an idyllic world, even if just for a bit.

Oh, Ojai, I will be back...

Milwaukee Hits a High Note with Annie B. & the Vagabond Company

2011-06-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

written for ArtMilwaukee by Jodie Niles
www.journeyswithjodie.com

Performing for ArtMilwaukee’s “Arabian Night” after party on Thursday, June 2^nd is Milwaukee native singer/songwriter Annie B. with her band, The Vagabond Company. The band features Annie B. on Lead Vocals, Dave Johnson on Drums, “Hollywood Fred” on Bass and Cam DeWinter on Lead Guitar. Though Annie’s been around for a while, the band didn’t officially have their first gig together until February of this year, and it didn’t take long for them to find their groove… in Milwaukee and beyond. Not only will they be playing at Summerfest this year (Sunday, July 10^th on the big Briggs & Stratton stage!), but they will also be opening for the BlackCAPS in Madison next week Friday (June 10^th) and heading out to Chicago and Lake Geneva this summer, with a CD Launch Party not long after at Shank Hall!

[Full schedule available at: www.anniebmusic.com].

Getting Annie B. to sit still for more than a minute is certainly a challenge, as I’ve come to learn, working as her personal booking assistant these last few months. That’s only because the big energy in her little body never seems to stop. Whether she’s connecting on the phone, checking email and updating her Facebook page, organizing a community event, planning her performance schedule, practicing with her band or getting ready for an interview, Annie is always giving the most she can, and with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.

Sitting at the kitchen table of her home on a typical morning, she and I, along with two other helpers, enjoy what Annie’s boyfriend has endearingly come to call “The View.” The four of us gather around, laptops open and ear pieces on (well, me anyway), ready to get down to business….and sometimes, yes, that does include monkey business. Between the calls and research we also work up a lot of laughs between us.

Annie’s been a great influence on me because, as an artist, I know how it feels to want to just “do your thing” and not deal with the “business stuff.” But Annie’s self-respect and confidence compel her to make things happen, and her “go get it and have fun doing it” spirit is contagious. Her natural friendliness and ability to connect with others draws people and opportunities to her, and she’s willing to put the time and effort into it because she believes in herself and takes what she does seriously. And yet....

Easily distracted, on this particular day, the day I’ve FORCED her to answer my interview questions, she scurries about doing anything she can to avoid having to sit and focus on me and my questions. After all, there are dishes to wash, a refrigerator to clean a cat that needs some TLC. Not to mention the phone calls, emails and press kits that need to be done….but I digress.

“Hey, Annie, let’s do this,” I say.

“Yeah, I’m comin’. I just have to put on another pot of coffee. Remind me to call so and so back. And can you add this venue to the database? Oh, and don’t let me forget to stop by that other place and drop off a CD. Did we ever hear back from so and so?”

“It’s all under control,” I say. “Let’s do this.”

“Okay, just hold on a sec. Let me just run to the bathroom really fast!”

I give her the eye, because she knows that I know that she is reluctant to sit down for a few minutes, for fear she’ll forget something drastically important to do. After a few more minutes of coffee making, message checking and idea throwing, she thinks of something else that she wants me to do, and I have to stop her and remind her that she needs to go to the bathroom.

“Oh yeah! Okay, just one more minute,” she says, and we all laugh

Still walking about, she eventually shuffles back over to the table, sits down and forces herself not to look at her computer screen or put her hands near her keyboard as I begin the interview. She is excited to share, and takes her time answering each question. As always, she’s thinking of her audience and giving them the most she can…even if it does mean saving the refrigerator cleaning for later. And so we begin:

Q: When did you know you wanted to be a singer?

A: “Well,” she says with a smile…”I wanted to be a movie star when I was 4. I used to sing Beatles songs in harmony with my little sister …but I really decided when I was in graduate school in Reno and learned how to play guitar. I was really depressed during the first year of my PhD program in Clinical Psych. I had come home for the summer and learned how to play guitar. I actually started studying voice at The Wisconsin Conservatory of Music back in undergrad at Marquette…but didn’t seriously pursue it… it was more of an exploratory thing…I just was drawn to it. I feel super lucky to stay that I got to study with a blues/jazz singer out of the Chicago area who is now signed to Blue Note Records...Jackie Allen.”

“So, you didn’t know in high school?”

“Oh, in high school? I was mostly stealing booze out of my dad’s liquor cabinet…not really ready to be serious about life or my career… I was out chasing boys,” she adds with a giggle.

“I went back to school that fall (in Reno), still uncertain, and began playing open mic’s…that’s when I knew I needed to be playing music. It was the first time I had ever performed in front of an audience and I was getting a good response from my music…from songs that I had written…songs I started writing that summer when I learned the guitar…and I had this epiphany…I felt like I finally had purpose and direction in my life.”

Q: Who were your biggest influences?

A: The Beatles

Q: Tell me about your travels and the places you went on the road. What was your best experience on the road?

A: ”I was doing solo acoustic in 1993….then I put my first band together in 1994 in Reno…moved to Seattle…did well for short time…and then the drummer and I broke up, so therefore the band broke up…the band moved back to Reno and I went to LA with no friends and family there. I had always wanted to move to NY or LA. I stayed at a youth hostel for a about a week…I had some savings and rented a one-room apartment off of Hollywood Blvd. for $450/month for a couple years. So I was right in the middle of Hollywood waiting table at the Wolfgang puck café on Universal Citywalk. Then I landed a job working for radio promo company in 2001, and that’s where I learned how to get radio airplay and how the radio business works. I put another new band together called Breather, and then later I created Shut up Marie (SUM), and booked our very first gig at The Coconut Teaser on Sunset Boulevard!”

Ever since deciding on music and quitting grad school in 93/94, Annie started researching the music business.

“I bought books, went to songwriting workshops, seminars, like the South by southwest conference and just began immersing myself. I felt confident about getting gigs when I got to LA because I’d made headway in Seattle quickly when I was there.”

“Then I got fired from my job and I kept plugging away with SUM. I got an opportunity to work with a catering company for The Vans Warped Tour. It was a GREAT chance to get to know all the right people …except I got fired on day 4,” she says with a nostalgic smile.

“We were actually in Milwaukee when they told me to go home. I didn’t want to go crawling back to LA after losing that gig, so instead, since I was able to go on UE, I decided to learn how to make a living playing music. I started living out of my car. I quit my other part-time jobs, put my stuff in storage and hit the road.”

I first ended up in Colorado Springs and it was horrible. I had no idea what I was getting into. The first gig there were no guests. Just a couple tables at a bar/restaurant. I moved on to Des Moines, Topeka, Milwaukee, Madison, Louisville and various cities throughout Illinois, Missouri and Oklahoma. I learned about the MKE/OK/TX route and did that quite a bit. I did very well in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas. So, I moved to Austin July 2007. Then I came back home for Christmas and never left. My parents weren’t well, and so I helped care for them. By January, I knew I’d be staying for good.

Q: Why do you choose to stay in Milwaukee?

A: “It’s a great place for a musician. Wisconsin and Illinois have lots of work to be had. Plus, my family is here, and the Midwest is a great place for music.”

Q: Where do you get inspiration for your music?

A: “It’s random. My last song, “Coffee Beans,” was inspired by my 16-yr old niece, Aly Jayne, who’s also a singer/songwriter. The lyrics inspired by my boyfriend,” she tells me (while he peaks his head around in the corner at us and says, “what?!”)

“It Comes from relationships, “she continues. ‘Just my little observations about life’ based on experiences. Sometimes songs just come. I sit down with the guitar and things start swirling in my brain and then I gotta start recording it with my voice recorder.

My personal favorite, “Cat Girl” is a song that popped into her head. Annie claims she didn’t even try….it just wrote itself. Its catchy lyrics, “I’m a cat girl. Don’t put me on a leash” speak for themselves.

Q: Where do you envision Annie B.? & The Vagabond Company in five years?

A: “Hmm…in 5 years? Definitely well-known throughout Europe, the US, Japan and Australia” (for those of you who don’t know, she’s got a European tour planned for 2012).

”And in 10 years?” she says, without hesitation…”the same, but with more records and a couple Grammy’s (see “Blogging for a Grammy “on her website).

Q: What do you think is the best thing about Milwaukee’s music scene?

A: “Well that’s an interesting question, Jodie.” (Abruptly leaves to go to the bathroom, now that she remembers she was supposed to go 30 minutes ago). Of course, I had to remind her. Again. I am, after all, her PA- that’s “personal assistant,” or “pain in the ass” as we girls like to joke. It’s all part of our daily routine on “The View.”

“I think my favorite part of Milwaukee is the fact that we have a LOT of support for our independent music and local artists. I hope that it can be under appreciated by our artists here because they don’t know how tough it is in other cities, for instance LA. “

“Sure, support for local bands in LA,” says Annie, “but really not enough to allow artists to thrive, like there is for them to do here in Milwaukee. Milwaukee’s scene is amazing.

Speaking from firsthand experience in other cities, Annie thinks it is “tremendous that we have three radio stations that regularly play local music – that’s more than any other town I know of with a middle-sized town like we are. Plus, we have lot of venues that support independent and original music.

“I like it the way it is right now,” Annie shares with me, “because Milwaukee is one of the best kept secrets in the US when it comes to the music scene, and I’d just like to keep it that way. ‘Cuz once they all find out, they’ll flock here and there’ll be too many bands willing to play for free and the way our music works will change, and I don’t want that to happen. People think because a town is exploding that it is good for the economy, but not necessarily for the little indies.”

Q: What impact would you like your music to have on its community?

A: “Well, Jodie, I would have to first say… I think it’s inevitable that…umm..Ummm…that Annie B. (looks up and puts fingers against lips) & the Vagabond Company... will have a strong impact on the community. Not necessarily musically, but more as leaders on the music scene, trying to make things happen. This bleeds over into Milwaukee Art Beat and other causes…”

“I hope I’m setting an example here in Milwaukee about how important it is to work together, and with other community groups, because there’s such a huge overlap between music and the arts in Milwaukee. So, by putting on events that encompass both (like Annie does with Milwaukee Art Beat), you’re obviously reaching a bigger audience.”

“Collaboration is really important because two heads are always better than one. When you share resources, there’s a lot more that you can get done.” But,” she tells me,”That’s not the end of it.”

“It’s also the fact that I’m not afraid to knock on doors and send out emails to people that I don’t know and who don’t know me and try to forge relationships that way, so that… (now begins the hair twisting, and I know the wheels are turning, and as she jumps up and scurries back into the kitchen she completes the thought)…”I can get myself out there and see how I can work with another organization or person, whether it’s a bar or Art Milwaukee.”

Ultimately, Annie hopes that her influence as a leader is what people “get.”

Q: What message do you have for aspiring musicians?

A: “Never give up on your dreams. Never give up. Absolutely number one.”

“But there IS what I would call a formula,” she tells me, “that I would say I’ve been using to get where I want to be with my career - and that is that number one, you got to hone your skills. If you’re unhappy with your guitar playing, go get lessons. Before you do anything as a musical artist, be good at your skill. The next thing you need to do is learn about the music business. Spend a little time every day learning something, whether listening to a blog about the music business or reading an article (there are plenty out there) or a book. “

“There are SO many resources out there to learn about the industry and what to do to make it happen. Next piece of advice is GET OUT THERE and perform as much as you can. There are some who do music from home, and that’s fine…and I’m not sure how to advise those types, but any others, those who want to be on stage, need to get out there and perform and start making friends with other bands, booking agents and apply what you’ve learned. Take it seriously. Create a plan that works for your genre, your schedule. AND give it time….every single artist that looks like an overnight success…it’s very unlikely.”

Q: What has been the hardest part of your career?

A: “Frustration of wanting to be further along than where I am at. Having to start over a couple of times (moving to Seattle, then LA, then across Midwest and now in MKE)….takes you a few steps back from where you wanna be. Again, it takes time. Just because all your friends came out and saw you perform and thought you were awesome, that’s not gonna cut it.”

Q: What brings you the most joy?

A: “Seeing people really enjoying our music. Seeing people really gettin’ into it. Staring at the band, like they are rock stars or something. Selling CD’s, having people come up after a show, knowing they are appreciating it. Bringing joy to others through something that I love. “

Q: What’s your favorite thing to when you have the time?

A: “Get outta town. Day trips. Festivals. Exploring other parts of WI. I’ve traveled a lot in past, but there’s too much going on in Milwaukee right now to take a longer trip at this time.”

Though she does have plans to travel with the band, first regionally, then nationally, then Europe. With gigs coming up in Chicago, Madison, Lake Geneva and more, her hope is that things start expanding soon.

Her favorite place to visit? “The Grand Canyon. Period. God is there.”

Q: What’s your favorite original song, and why?

A: "Hey, Mama" which is a song recorded by my first band in Reno: Jaded. The thing I like about this song is that it's probably my very first "good song". It ended up on my first CD ever, and it might be the best song on that CD, although there are a few other worthy songs on there. It came to me in a dream... I thought to myself in the dream, "Hey, this is a pretty cool song... I'm gonna wake up and write this song!"

I still like the song, but it’s the story behind it that means a lot to me. Being able to write a good song while sleeping/dreaming is significant to me... it's kind of like God saying, "Here's a freebie... now go out and write more, because that's what you're supposed to be doing with your life!"

Q: Who is one of your favorite artists, and why?

A: “Lennon/McCartney. Just the best songwriters ever. Ever ever ever. The Beatles are definitely my favorite band of all time… Just the evolution of the Beatles is so profound. They started as a cover band playing early ‘60s-influenced rock and moved onto some trippy and psychedelic stuff, which was a whole different place, and then evolved into a lot more sophisticated ROCK after that. They are just such a huge influence on the entire musical world. And their songs are just so awesome!

Unfortunately, I didn’t even know who they were ‘til Lennon got shot…and it was all over the news. At that time (Dec 1980), my favorite was a song by John Lennon from Double Fantasy…I thought John Lennon was the shit, and I had no idea he was a Beatle. When he was shot, all of a sudden I read about the “ex-Beatle” and began listening to all their radio shows, and upon hearing all the special stuff when he was shot, so fell in love.

One of the first songs I heard that was recorded live was “All My Loving.” There were so many screaming girls in the audience…you just felt like you were there…just felt energy when you listened to the song…and I wished I was around when they were. The energy of that recording got me hooked. I fell in love with every single song they ever made after that.

Q: What do you want people to know/think of when they hear the music of Annie B.?

A: That I’m a powerful woman with something important to say. I have a great band that totally kicks ass and I want to empower women by being a good, loud, rockin’ chick! I want women and girls to come out and see the band and be energized.”

Q: How do you keep your upbeat positive attitude?

A: “ ‘Cuz I hang out with Jodie Niles as much as possible,” she says in her booming, soul-felt voice. I smile in gratitude, letting her know the feeling is mutual.

“If you can’t just enjoy every single moment of the day, you’re just missin’ out. Even moments and days that are a struggle, are beautiful. Because they need to happen, so that you can grow and become a better person, or wake up and smell the coffee about something (literally, too) or learn about yourself or someone else in your life, or mourn b/c someone close to you dies…just every single moment is part of who you are the next day Something to celebrate. (Annie sadly lost her dad to Alzheimer’s last year).”

“When there are moments not so great, those are also things to be thankful for. Without the low moments, we wouldn’t appreciate the high ones. And when someone just really pisses you off and they are just a jerk, those people are actually wonderful people to have in your life because they just make your life a little more interesting and rich. I just refer to them as ‘one of the great characters in my life,’ she says with an entertained smile. “Because they make my life a little more interesting for that moment…so rather than call them a name or resent them, I choose to be thankful for all these little enriching moments. And how boring would it be if everything was a bed of roses all the time and everyone was really nice?”

I have to tell you that being around Annie is a continued joyous experience, refreshing and entertaining. She juggles all of her career responsibilities with an ongoing sense of optimism and confidence, always with a smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her lose her temper, no matter how stressed out she may feel at times. Instead, her sweet-as-honey charm radiates from her as she “does her best in every moment.” Some days I see the giddy little girl that is Annie B., hurrying around the house to make sure everything is clean and we all have our coffee, only to turn around and reveal a large Scorpion tattoo on her shoulder blade and a provocative look of mystery when I ask her about it. Mix little well-learned street smarts with amazing artistic talents and a passion for life, and you’ve got a harmonious blend of grooviness. And that’s the stuff that embodies a true rock star.

Q: Any words of wisdom you’d like to leave your readers with today?

A: “From the song “Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy”) from The Beatles Double Fantasy album released 1980 (less than a month before he was shot), John Lennon wrote: ‘life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.’”

“So that means to me, to cherish every single moment and don’t be so worried about your plans for tomorrow or even an hour from now or even a year from now…’live in the moment mentality.’ “

She makes sure to let me know that, although this phrase has been around for a long time, “it’s my right to claim it as a favorite because I knew it from back when…before it caught on!”

Self - Care Does NOT Equal Self-ish!

2011-05-24T15:48:00.000-05:00

Self-Care Does Not Equal Selfish

Do you feel like it’s too exhausting to keep everyone around you happy? Feel like there isn’t enough time in a day as it is, and then experience guilt instead of joy when you opt out of other commitments to do something for yourself instead? Does worrying about letting others down end up bogging YOU down?

It’s alarming how we often worry so much about making choices in relation to the way it will affect others. Isn’t it really ourselves that we should mostly be concerned about? Yet we waste so much precious time and energy dwelling on one instance or one person that didn’t pan out as we’d wanted or planned. Meanwhile, we miss out on doing something else in that moment which could be much more appropriate. Instead, we lament and complain and question and dissect and analyze. I’ve noticed that there are some people out there who really function best when they have everything planned, and then there are others who never commit, and prefer to go with the flow, thus alleviating unwanted stress or added pressure. I fall somewhere in between.

I used to be the type of person who made a commitment and that was that. No questions about it. I was taught that commitment means reliability, punctuality and responsibility, not to mention good manners. And I used to feel good about myself for staying loyal to my every word. But the older I’ve gotten and the more I’ve been up and down in the flow of life, the more I’ve learned that what may seem like a great idea one day, isn’t a fit at a later date in time. My energy changes every second, so I really have no idea what to expect on any given day or in any given situation. This is something that cannot be predicted or planned, no matter how good our intentions are. And life is too short for me to waste time doing something that’s not feeling desirable at the moment.

In recent years, I’ve begun respecting my energy more by honoring what my body/mind/soul needs IN THE MOMENT. If I make plans with friends a few weeks in advance, which is often the case, and that day rolls around and I am NOT “feelin’ it,” then I bow out. Some friends seem to respond negatively to this, letting it mess up their entire day and looking for someone, or something to blame for the chaos. Others are like, “oh, that’s cool. I’m not feelin’ it today, either.” Or “hey, no worries. We can catch a movie and dinner any time,” and there are absolutely no hard feelings. My friend Jen and I went to dinner last night to catch up. Our “plan” is to get together once a month and we last met in February. When March rolled around, we set a date. On that day, one of us texted the other and asked if we could postpone. No worries. Then April came, and we did that again. Finally, on May 4^th, we met, and we had a GREAT time connecting. And we both arrived late, to boot!

Life is too short to worry about trivial things. If plans get changed, then we must adapt. There is no sense is crying over spilled milk. I’ve noticed how many people take things personally when someone cancels, or doesn’t show up to an event or gathering at the last minute. It continues to amaze me. Sure, I am an avid social organizer myself, and I am, of course, disappointed when someone ends up not making it, because I love everyone that I’ve invited and I want to spend the time with them on that particular occasion, in the spirit of merriment. Yet, after I’ve allowed myself to feel briefly sad or disappointed, I move on. I understand that someone may have caught a sore throat or a cold, or suddenly have friends in from out of town, or a babysitter cancel, or their child is sick or the weather is bad or they have to work or they Just.Don’t.Feel.Like.Going.Out.. I acknowledge this, and then I move forward, enjoying the guests who ARE present. And sometimes, I even cancel my own events! If I am not in a good energetic place, it is for the good of the all and in the best interest to those that I care about, to lay low during that time. In my experience, forcing yourself to “keep your word” and “show up” often results in a less pleasurable experience than if one does not attend at all. The energy that you bring to the table, if you really don’t want to be there, is not transparent, and others are affected by it. So, would you rather be in an awkward situation, just so everyone can be checked off the roll call list, or would you rather honor what you/your body need, and reconnect with those people/friends at another time when the energy is right, and you can both enjoy it?

The funny part is, many of us spend so much time getting bent out of shape over who does or doesn’t keep their word that we lose the focus entirely, and we begin to take it personally. This is a slippery slope and can lead to many misunderstandings and unclear expectations. Keep your communication lines open and clear. Chances are it has nothing to do with you. And you need to respect where that person is at in the moment, and be at peace with where you are. The two energies need not collide. Move onto something else! You will probably find that you will be better suited for another activity anyway, since your energy has already changed.

What really concerns me is that we have been so conditioned to believe that it’s more important to let ourselves down than to let others down. And I am here to tell you, LOUD & CLEAR…that SELF-CARE DOES NOT EQUAL SELFISH! Get that out of your head right now and you will feel like a weight has been lifted. Listening to what we need in any given moment is our responsibility to ourselves, and we should feel no shame in this. If you said yes to a social networking event that sounded like a great idea three weeks ago, but are feeling edgy and drained throughout that day, chances are, you are probably trying to talk yourself into going, for any number of reasons. “Well I RSVP’d, so I have to go,” or “Well, so and so will probably be there, and I know I should swap business cards with them,” or “I’ll feel fine once I’m there. I’m just being lazy. I better force myself to go,” and then we put on our happy face and try to appear as though we are on the top of our game, when really, we’d rather be at home watching NCIS reruns on the couch, or spending quality time with our pet or spouse, or simply going home to a quiet, empty, crowd-free environment after a long, stressful day. Maybe you have a headache. Maybe you’re tired. Maybe you aren’t in the mood to “dress up for the occasion.” Perhaps you had an experience that day that was unexpected, and that left you in a very calm, peaceful, meditative mood and you feel more inclined to go home and paint or write or sing or read. Perhaps it’s a rainy day and you’d rather sip coffee in front of the fire with your lover. Whatever the case, you don’t owe anyone an explanation! You just owe it to yourself to be honest in your choice, and to gently communicate that choice to those whom it concerns.

Self-care is something that takes work and practice. And as we learn, we probably will encounter some awkward situations. They are growing pains, for all of us. But don’t’ let that discourage you. It gets to be an exhausting “J.O.B.” when we can’t let just to go to our happy place as often as we’d like, because we feel that other obligations take precedence. Do what feels right to you. Redefine your boundaries. Do whatever it takes to stand squarely in your power. If YOU are not happy, not enjoying it, or not “feeling” it, then there’s not necessarily always a good reason you have to do it. Simple as that. Stop feeling guilty, second guessing or trying too hard. It either feels right or it doesn’t. It’s Intuitive and honest. And we can’t expect, nor do we need everyone around us to understand. We are all on our own journeys, and we need to respect that in ourselves, so that we can respect that in others. In time, everything works out. That is the beauty of energy. It always keeps moving and it is resilient.

It feels so much better when you can acknowledge disappointment, but then let it go and look at the next best option, because there always is one, and it almost always works out for the best in the long run. The more we try to control things, the less we can see. The more we let things go, the more open we become. We are humans. We were born to adapt. This isn’t to say that we aren’t allowed, or justified in feeling hurt or let down or disappointed; however, it’s up to US how much we choose to let that keep our own energy level down. After all, we are giving our power away to another if we are allowing them to affect our energy levels in detrimental ways. They are renting space for free in our heads! We are the landlords; we choose who and what we allow in, and when!

So, as we head into summer, a busy time, full of vibrancy and endless options, I encourage you to choose wisely, from moment to moment. Take stock in where you are, what you need, what you want and who/what will best support you in that at this moment. Let yourself have the freedom to be flexible, to honor your needs, and partake accordingly. Let other people deal with their own stuff. If you honor yourself, you will be honoring others as well, and you will also be setting a fine example of self-care. Don’t confuse this with expectation, obligation, commitment or guilt. Just know that you are allowed…scratch that, you were BORN to enjoy life, and you can’t plan joy. So, let it find you, and go with it wherever it takes you, and let others do the same. When your paths are meant to cross, you can share joy together in those moments. If not, then trust that there is definitely another purpose intended for you at that moment, so embrace it and see where it takes you!

Spring Cleaning: An Inside Job

2011-05-24T15:44:00.000-05:00

Spring cleaning. It isn’t just for the home. We have lots of clutter that builds up in our minds, our bodies and our spirits. Time goes by so quickly, and we are changing so fast. We evolve a great deal just in one day; we get busy, and we lose track.

This time of year, it’s easy to feel compelled to freshen up. We are moving out of winter hibernation and that which lay dormant in us for months is now ready to reawaken, energized for a fresh new beginning. Even nature, with its cleansing rainfalls, warmer temps and lush greenery is calling us to stand up, shake ourselves off and head outside for new possibilities. The longer, lighter days beckon with potential and frivolity. Excitement and anticipation lay on the horizon as we prepare for the busyness of summer. It’s a transitional and transformational time, and we are ready for a new season of our lives to begin.

I encourage you to take this time and clear out the old energies that no longer serve you. What may have provided an extra layer of protection during the winter is no longer necessary. What was hidden in darkness has now surfaced and is ready to be illuminated. Honor that, go with it and embrace the newness of it. The cleansing of our bodies and souls is a natural process, and the more attention and awareness we give it, the more we can enjoy it. Even a daily shower is a cleansing ritual, and as we wash ourselves clean of yesterday’s “stuff,” we feel lighter, rejuvenated and ready for opportunity. It’s often hard for us to part with things, even the intangible things, but once we do, we know that we feel better. Think of it like a rummage sale: you no longer need those items, but someone else may benefit greatly from them and enjoy them in a whole new way. If we can thank and bless whatever it is we are letting go of, knowing it has served its purpose, we can lovingly send it on its way.

Don’t we enjoy the scent of a fresh rain? The smell of blossoming flowers? Let’s view ourselves in the same way. We, too, are blooming into a new phase of our lives as we let go, shed our skin and open up to possibility. Don’t’ fight it. Don’t hide it. Marvel in it! You may want to discard old items that are taking up space, call an old friend that you haven’t seen in a while, or step back from a relationship that is bogging you down. Perhaps you are ready to commit to going green, volunteering for that cause you have been talking about or going on a vegetarian diet. Going through our closets and cleaning our homes is much like going through our minds and detoxing our bodies. The less we think about it and the more we trust our intuition, the happier we will feel and the more we will accomplish. Plus, you never know what you may find buried under that pile or hidden under all that dust! So, go out and revel in the magic!

Need some motivation? As a co-author of the new book, “Amazing Woman, What’s Your Story,” I encourage you to consider purchasing this workbook, full of real-life transformational stories and do-it-yourself exercises. Available on Amazon.com and also at: http://marshengle.com/new-book.

Under Construction

2009-07-20T17:48:00.001-05:00

In the last month or two, it seems my journey has led me all over the place, unable to follow any well-known, safe routes without encountering some sort of chaos along the way. In fact, I’ve often been steered in a different direction, only to come back and find that the original, well-known path has been forever altered, though parts of it may always remain the same.

Through this part of my journey and series of events, I’ve found myself “under construction.” Things inside are being torn down and put back together, reworked, and repaved. Things like beliefs, identity perspective, connection with others, the ways in which I approach and understand things in life, and most of all, the ways in which I truly find and express my own personal joys.

Often through sorrow we gain strength. Often after pain, we experience joy. Both have been true for me as I’ve continued to navigate through this restructuring process. If only I’d have seen more “Danger Ahead” signs… truth is, maybe they were there and I just never had to deal with them. Maybe I couldn’t have avoided taking a path that was being reworked, having to force my way through, somewhat reluctantly, very much confused. There was really no choice I had. I wasn’t in the driver’s seat for all of the events that occurred, and I had to keep watching, listening, moving through it, no matter what upheaval had to be endured.
I would have to say that my aunt’s illness was the prompting of this beginning. Though knowing that she was battling cancer for two years, her last days were ones of great awakenings for me. I of course felt sad, but it didn’t stop there. I began to think about my entire family, and the relationships that I share (in whatever form that takes) with each of them, and also noticing how they relate to one another. Not that I’d never paid attention to this before; however something was much more poignant this time around. It got me to thinking. It brought up a lot of childhood feelings for me, of things unresolved that I had thought I’d let go of, yet that needed further closure, further expression and prompted some sort of current action, in the here and now, as a 30-year old woman rather than a wounded 8-year old child, confused pre-teen or 18-year old rebel.

I was forced to become that much more aware of my own mortality, which led to many thoughts, questions and reactions. I cried thinking of the distance I share with many of my family members, wishing I knew how to relate to them better, to have them better understand me, yet unsure of the answer. Though what consumed me most was love. Unconditional love for each member, especially those in my aunt’s immediate family, and the sadness I felt for them, the way I wanted to reach out to them. In doing so, I had to face my own fears and let go of my own issues. The reactions were and are a bit hard to read, and at a time like this, who is really in their “right” mind? Hence, transition was taking place for all.

I then began to think about my own parents and first, of course, experienced the gratefulness that they are both still alive and that I have them both in my life. I looked at my father and wondered how he was dealing with losing a sister, how he felt about life, what would it be like if it were him rather than my aunt about to leave the planet. And so the emotional part of me took over. I cried tears of sadness, it seemed, for everyone around me, including myself. Even those who weren’t part of my family, but who’d also begun to share stories of those close to them that they’d lost. You learn a lot about people when they open up about things like this. And then that particular time (June 2009) ended up accumulating more death than any month I can recall being aware of in my lifetime - in terms of people I personally know, and people they know. I was dumbfounded at constant news of death. And in the midst of it all, trying to figure out how to make my life more valuable RIGHT NOW and also how to make my relationship with my parents and those around me even better became a prominent force.

Sometimes we don’t always know how to get what we wish for, and that’s okay. We don’t always need to know how. In my case, I wanted to get closer to each of my parents. This was, as I said, a time of restructuring. It seemed that the more reactions I had, the more they had, and now, adult to adult, looking at them and back at myself, how we think on things, view things, value things, and where our beliefs lie, it became even more clear how different we were. No matter how much I yearned to get closer, in some ways that just wasn’t or isn’t possible, at least not in this moment. My intentions are pure and good, but that doesn’t mean that it’s any easier to understand one another. Just because my aunt passed away didn’t, unfortunately, mean that my parents and I would miraculously begin to treat each day as so much more of a blessing. I will say that we have, in our own ways, been constructing our lives in such a way that I think we are all trying to not only better accept the other, but better accept ourselves, and be able to express who we are.

Dealing with such intense emotion brought forth in me such a profound sensitivity of all people and things around me that I was almost in a comatose state for a while, unable to be social or even articulate to others what I felt. This is unlike me. Those that know me well know that I either need to be writing about or talking about what I’m processing in order to work it out. But not in June 2009. That month I spent a lot of time with myself. I did talk to a few select people, and in fact, some relationships were strengthened during this process, and those were shockingly clear. For those, I am grateful. Others…were a bit harder, and continue to be more complex as the journey continues…which leads me to thinking not only about where I invest my time and energy, but where I feel most supported, and where I experience the most joy. Life’s too short not to really think about these things, and they are what help us to fully LIVE while we ARE alive.

Time heals all things, they say. I believe time is healing right now. It’s as though an open wound is trying to finally scab, and in order for me to let that happen, I need to stop picking at it. This was a delicate art of balance and was hard to manage during a personal time of inner questioning and turbulence. Who could I talk to? Who could I trust? Who was there for me, even though others needed support as well? After all, how can you support someone else if you aren’t supported? All of this goes on in our daily lives, but it was heightened for me during this particular time.

As you know, construction zones are often dangerous and you have to watch where you step, be careful of how fast you go and pay attention to the signs. I began to see, again, a pattern of friends who were not there for me when I needed support the most, and those who were. I noticed in what way friends showed up and what they had to offer. Some of it worked for me, some didn’t. Just like with my parents. Though they may think they are offering support to me, I may not feel that I’m getting what I need. It’s all a matter of personal perception. As always, everyone’s own past and current journey is a direct reflection of how they react to another. Sadly, this doesn’t always make it easier and isn’t always easy to grasp.

And so this time was about really getting to learn, even more deeply, about who I am, and thus, who my parents are, who my friends are, as people. As like individuals who are living on the same planet with me during this lifetime, experiencing the same things, and yet having their own reactions. I was curious, confused, ashamed, afraid, courageous, caring and joyful all at once during that month. What a crazy combination! The minute I thought I had a handle on something, another incident would happen to throw me for a loop. While I was connecting deeper and deeper with certain people, voids were growing larger with others. Being aware of this, I continued to go inward and ask myself what my truest feelings and intentions were. I always came back to love, joy and understanding. The themes of my life, I think, although not everyone may see that. Sometimes, though, like in June, getting to those places involved first visiting their polar opposites: anger, sadness, misunderstanding. And how was I interpreting the anger, sadness and misunderstanding of others?? It became not just about me, but about me in relation to and in connection with those around me.

Though the focus was on my aunt at first, it began to shift as I knew that her life on earth was coming to a close. It became about those of us who would remain here, myself included. It became about life in general, hence, those who are a part of mine, what I want out of mine, how I’m handling mine, and most of all, what I’m doing before it’s my time to say goodbye.
I had to really let a lot of love out of my heart during this time, but before the love came confusion and anger, which also had to come out. I really felt as though I was “under construction” as I continued to be amazed every day at the new ways in which things would unravel in my life and how important messages and connections revealed themselves. It was as if I were in a dream, watching but unable to speak. Sometimes that’s just how it felt. And yet, when I did speak, I found myself asking for some of the same things I asked for as a child. Undoubtedly, some arose from pure innocence and some came from the raw need for love, laughter and joy. Some old yearnings I’d thought I’d let go of had resurfaced, and instead of just chucking them out the window, I did, indeed, restructure them, so that I could value them and hold onto what was important, what was a the core. In doing so, I was able to acknowledge what wasn’t possible, what didn’t serve me or anyone else, and how to move forward while repositioning the pieces that did fit. The puzzle continues to become known to me, every day, in every experience. I don’t know how long I’ll be “under construction” at this particular juncture in my journey. I do know that it’s having a huge impact and I’m learning more than I can articulate.

Today I’m in a better place, having finally released much built-up emotion, claiming childlike feelings as an adult, yet honoring my inner child, and understanding where others come from in their answers/responses/reactions to my questions/concerns/desires. It’s now brought me to a whole new level in my life, and that has allowed me many blessings, yet forced me to let go of some things. Most of all, it has reminded me and helped me to accept certain things in myself and others, without there necessarily being an explanation or even any inclination of how things may go as the process continues. And I feel okay with this. I’ve come to better respect and understand others’ journeys - their navigational tools, their paths, their choices – and it’s proven to be a tough, yet tender teacher as I continue learning more about my own.
In what ways have you or are you experiencing reconstruction in your life? What have you or are you realizing from it? What emotions come up for you when you feel as though your body, mind or spirit has gone “under construction?” and how do you find joy in the journey along the way?

Please, I ask for comments, as I know we can all benefit from universal sharing. So, please subscribe if you haven’t, and share your thoughts and feelings. Joy to you all.

Paving the Way for Purpose on Our Journey

2009-07-02T15:52:00.000-05:00

Many of us ask the question: “What is my purpose in life?” and then spend our entire life trying to attain it. I truly believe we are all born with an innate sense of what we are meant to do, whether we are conscious of it or not. It’s about listening to messages, recognizing signs and learning lessons through our journey that lead us to all the right places at the right time for things to fall into place as they were intended. I believe that while we have to take some action, a lot of our purpose comes from within…just envisioning what we are passionate about is part of making our dream a reality. Many things can get in our way – fear, doubt, judgment from others, to name a few – but in the end, it’s our own choice to move ahead and do what we are called to do, to pave the way for our own potential.

Personally, I not only want to live my purpose and experience all the joys that come with it during this lifetime; I also want to leave a legacy that lasts years beyond my mortal existence on this planet. Having been in a bit of a “stuck” place on my journey lately (one involving more “being” than “doing,” a place of reflection and processing), I’ve had a lot to think about. I’ve always known I wanted to leave a legacy behind, to be called a legend when I’m gone…even if on a small scale. It’s not about the ego, but about making such a difference that it lasts generations beyond me, to know that the work that I did in this lifetime carries on and continues to impact others who follow.

As a writer and highly emotional/sensitive person, this last month has been very difficult for me as I have had to process an array of intense emotions. I was blocked in my writing, laid low and though I felt a lot, I could not always articulate it, nor have the energy to do anything about it. However, it was the death of my aunt and most recently Michael Jackson which got my passionate juices flowing again, and here I am now, to talk about life, legends and legacies.

All of the artists that have paid respects and spoken of Michael have claimed the same thing: “he’s a legend, a genius, someone that will never be forgotten.” We’ve all seen his abilities and heard his music. Everything from on-stage performances, directing and choreography to posing for photo shoots, not to mention decorating his own home illustrate his immense talents. Michael’s own words were, “I put all I have into my work.” He did this because it meant more than just going through the motions: it meant leaving a lasting impression and having an impact far beyond the present moment. Having things on paper and video are permanent proof of one’s work, and offers others the chance to experience it forever. Years from now people will watch and listen to him and experience what we have had the privilege of experiencing during our lifetime. I think Michael hit the nail on the head when he said that he put everything into his work. As I’ve said many times in my life, we aren’t here just to survive, but to THRIVE. And when you have gifts, you must use them for the greater good.

Look at others like Madonna (yes, I’m using pop icons as examples in this blog) who refused to back down from her own potential - instead, she worked hard to get noticed, make connections, learn and hone her skills and get in proper shape to reach her dreams. She shares many of Michael’s talents, such as singing, song-writing, dancing, choreography, authoring books, even directing and producing as well as acting. All of Michael’s videos weren’t just about singing – they went deeper. They were about substance and held a positive message. They told a story. They served a purpose, other than entertainment.

The month of June 2009 was one of great loss, personally and I venture to say, universally. My family experienced a death, friends around me lost family members, news was told of various celebrities passing, and the list goes on. As a result, I feel heaviness in my heart and in the world right now. We’ve been left face to face with the stark reality of how this forces all of us to examine and view our lives on a deeper level, to take a harder look at ourselves… to dare and ask: What legacy do we want to leave? What are we doing with our lives? Better yet, what are we not doing? And what do we want to be doing?

Perhaps we want to or need to pay homage to those who’ve mentored and inspired us in our lives, those who’ve made a difference in shaping who we are today. Maybe it’s telling significant and important people that we love them. It may simply mean really wanting to live out our dreams and begin to take them more seriously and hold ourselves more accountable for our actions, or lack thereof. Maybe seek a better relationship with our parent, child or spouse; perhaps be better understood by another, or to tell people we are close to how we feel before it’s too late.

All the things that MJ stood for (making things happen, envisioning and acting upon change in the world, breaking barriers, thinking globally, challenging discrimination and racism, being a humanitarian and philanthropist, keeping children in mind at all times, and thinking of how our future generations will be affected – ALWAYS thinking of the future and our impact on it) were exemplified through his God-given gifts and talents. He took risks, faced challenge after challenge in his life, yet still his love prevailed over his fears. How are WE all doing that in our lives? How are we responding to his death, or the death of those close to us? And why does it take death to make us stop and really think about life? Even then, does it have a strong enough lasting effect before we go right back to where we were? Death is a time for us to not only mourn those who’ve passed, but a chance for us to celebrate our own life and regroup, re-focus and rebound in a positive way.

Why so much death at one time? I feel the world is being forced to gear itself up for something huge here. What does this mean to all of us? Why do I feel so strongly moved right now? So emotionally touched? Is it because I’ve had no choice but to have death all around me, as many of us have had? Is it a message that is being shoved in our face and hearts so that we finally take notice, take action?

For someone like Michael Jackson, who was like a soundtrack to my childhood, with whose music I can connect to significant chapters in my life and whose songs conjure up memories on the spot, it’s a collective response that I believe a lot of the world shares with me. I connected and identified with MJ because of his artistic abilities and because I could feel and see the passion, inspiration and meaning behind everything he did and said. He also reflected a huge amount of compassion, and that is what I feel for him. Somebody blessed with that much brilliance and yet cursed with so much suffering and pain. How many people like this do we know, including ourselves? Is this not part of our personal journey toward defining and living our purpose?

We all know there’s a lot of violence out there in the world. And we know that we’ve battled and continue to battle our own issues in life. It seems the world as a whole is always on the defense about something, rather than focusing on love and pure intentions. We are facing our own obstacles every day, as Michael did. What are we doing to overcome them and use our gifts/realizations for the good of all? So many levels are touched when a tragedy occurs (and I don’t just mean Michael, although someone of his status brought the world into a collective mourning). How many of us want to live our gifts and end our pain, but find so many reasons/excuses not to?

It’s sad when anyone dies. Experiencing the first death in my family this past month hit me on a lot of levels, and I found it interesting to observe how my family dynamics worked around it, how everyone reacted. It got me to thinking, “how well do we really know one another and what we stand for?” I was shocked at the sad reality that we often do not, indeed, know others as much as we could – therefore, connection is often lost, purpose not always on track. I’ve heard of many celebrities passing throughout my lifetime, but again, nothing of this caliber. Both my aunt (who passed away after a two-year battle with cancer) and Michael, not to mention countless others were too young to die, in my opinion (and in Michael’s case, perhaps on account of incompetent doctors). My aunt’s death and the deaths of my friends’ family members, feels unnecessary. Farrah Fawcett’s battle with cancer is another great example. In the case of MJ, here’s a guy whose emotional suffering and trauma was too much for him to handle. Another Elvis scenario all over again, and one we may never know the entire truth about.

I look at all of these people that we were blessed to share the earth with for just this short amount of time and I honestly feel my own mortality like never before. I have no idea what it would be like if I died, but I’d like to know that I left something behind. Something that made a difference, as I believe everyone who has passed did. My aunt left a legacy in her teaching, by impacting the lives of students, as well as her own family. Michael left a legacy that will carry on, no doubt, for generations to come. Life is a blink of an eye and we get but a glimpse of our time on earth before it’s gone.

I think of the words of wisdom my aunt left with her students (lessons on how to be successful and happy in life, how to stay true to yourself), and I think of the lyrics behind many of Michael’s songs (from gangs and ghettos and standing up for yourself, to taking the positive road, even dating, racism, global connection, man’s connection with nature and animals, concern for children and bringing out the little boy in him that had so long been lost). I see him trying to be a father figure to children that he wanted to save from what he went through. I think all that was passed on to family members left behind in this month of June 2009 all across the world and anyone before and after.

In some instances, such as my aunt and Farrah’s, a battle with cancer is beyond our control and an awful thing to deal with. We can only try to understand it. For others like Michael, we see a pattern of self-destructive behaviors that lead to their demise. In either case, it’s a tragedy, and those that love them can only stand by and watch. It brings me to the realization that there are people alive in our lives that also carry on self-destructive patterns and /or never reach their full potential, and it makes me feel that much stronger about my purpose in helping people.

Through all this heaviness and heartache, I’ve been feeling my own purpose gaining more momentum and strength. I’ve been listening more, resisting less and having the courage to take what may feel like risky steps just to “be who I am” on a daily basis, working toward what I know is the legend that I want to leave. For me, it’s the written and spoken words. My blogs, my books in progress, my future speaking endeavors, the groups that I’ve led which have helped me to both give and receive support and understanding, a higher learning).

And as I ponder my own purpose, I ask you to really decide if you are paving the way along your journey every day, working hard to create what you want to leave behind, to make a lasting difference, or are you letting something get in the way? Now is the time. Not tomorrow. Not once you have “more time” to do what you really want to do because of the “shoulds” that you need to get done first. Not when that check comes in or when you’re able to get a promotion or move or lose 20 pounds. Not when you “get that break” or meet the right person or have that degree or “get over your issues.” Perhaps those are components, steps along the way…but those things are what are leading you along your path right TO your purpose. It’s RIGHT NOW that you are LIVING your LIFE and in every moment you have the opportunity to BE the legacy that you are and were meant to be. In every action, every word and every thought, you are creating. I challenge you to create and live your legacy beginning NOW!

Taking the Road Less Traveled

2009-04-25T14:12:00.001-05:00

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told that I take “the hard road.” In other words, I don’t do what most would do in a given situation. I probe and poke and persist in directions that many would not. I take risks, challenge authority and keep trying to widen the scope, seeking more truth. I prefer to think of it as “the road less traveled.” I find many magical things along this road that I know I would not find on the easy one. By the same token, they don’t call it “the hard road” for nothing. And as time has gone on, I’ve noticed that this part of me is not something that will probably ever change. In fact, it’s part of my purpose in this lifetime – to “be” voice” and to help others find theirs. I believe that, as Laurel Thatcher once said, “Well behaved women rarely make history.”

“Making waves,” “going against the grain,” “stirring up trouble,” “acting out,” blah blah blah….heard it all before. It all boils down to one thing: “being” me. I have been on a pendulum swinging back and forth between “being” me and being what I think others will approve of for most of my life. I happen to be a very curious and opinionated person, always wanting to speak what I feel and learn more. This has not always yielded favorable responses from others. For a very long time, I personalized this, felt guilty for it, and let my sensitivity get the better of me. I always wondered why it was “bad” to say what I wanted to say or ask what I wanted to ask, especially in situations where things were factually true and people just wanted to stay in denial. Speaking up always has this feeling of risk, as though I’m in store for some sort of punishment or loss if I do it.

So, when I feel like I can’t speak, or am not allowed, or that I’ll be judged or misunderstood, that I could lose something or make someone angry, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, and like part of me has to shut down. In truth, nothing is “wrong” with me, or with anyone else involved. If I speak my truth, another person has just as much right to speak theirs. I must remind myself that if I trigger someone else, that is their response, and therefore, part of their journey. My hope is that, as I speak my truth, I am then empowering others to find more of their own. As a little girl, this was hard to understand, but the older I get, the more I can respect it for what it is: We all make our own choices on our journeys. People always advise writers to “write what you know.” What I know is my truth. I do not feel like I’m fair to myself if I don’t.

I’m not suggesting we all just speak completely freely without considering others’ feelings or the circumstances. To be sure, we can never assume that we know or understand another’s journey, but how long do we sit like “good girls” or boys with our mouth shut, just to keep others from feeling what they may not want to feel?

As with all my blogs, I write for myself and my own purpose, as an expressionist and conversationalist, as part of my process on MY journey, but with the INTENTION of opening the door for communication and identification with others. It’s not to prove anything to anyone, but perhaps to solidify the fact that I have a right to continue using my voice. It’s what is true for ME, not anyone else.

Now, I’m just as guilty of making judgments and assumptions as the next guy, and am continually confronted with this as I try to stay conscious of my thoughts, actions and choices as I express myself. However, I still feel that I have every right to voice my beliefs. And while I don’t expect everyone to agree or embrace what I have to say, I do encourage respect. I don’t always agree with what people around me say, do or think, but once again, I recognize that it’s part of each individual’s journey.

My understanding, or perception as I continue on my journey, is that people speak up or don’t speak due to their belief systems. These systems are put into place early in life and, left untouched can last until the day we die. I am not one of those people. I am not comfortable with sitting still when something doesn’t feel right. While I believe I probably am somewhat of a mover and a shaker, I don’t stir things up intentionally. I learned a long time ago how to “play the game.” That means with family dynamics, work dynamics, relationships, etc. “If you want to climb the corporate ladder, do this,” or “if you don’t want to make someone upset, then don’t do that” are examples of messages I received. This never felt right to me, and I was always resisting it. It felt very frustrating and lonely to be misunderstood and not be able to be accepted just as I am.

For example, I’ve been in or around “the game” before and what I’ve noticed is that in order to “stay in the game,” there are always rules (like biting your own tongue and staying within a box). Often times, it also means that you are expected to “prove” something in order to achieve what you want. This is especially common in the corporate world, where you have to not only fight just to get in, but fight just to stay alive. In other words, prove that you have more dogged determination than the next guy, even if it means running yourself ragged and working beyond normal standards, even doing things you dislike, and are often not even praised. It often means going the extra mile just to show that you are invested in the company when, in your mind, you may feel you’ve already done enough. It can often show up as one person tries to usurp another just to get to where they want to go, regardless of what is trampled and hurt along the way. I’ve seen a lot of examples like these, and it’s why I didn’t fit in with the corporate world. There are some valid points with setting goals and going for what you want in life, and I’m all for using your drive and your passion to get where you want to go. I’m just here to say that if you have to sacrifice a part of yourself along the way, is the end result really worth it? If people aren’t “allowing” you to be yourself, and aren’t seeing you for who you really are, do you really want to be around them? When it becomes this way, there is no more joy in the journey. You may be “surviving,” but are you really thriving??

The corporate world is just one example, but I discuss with many friends and acquaintances how this affects us in various aspects of our lives. Why do we hold ourselves back? What is it that we really want? Who is it that we are afraid of offending, and why? What would happen if we did speak our truth…all the time? What will it cost us if we are just ourselves? Just because you ask a question or voice an opinion shouldn’t mean that you risk something for yourself. In fact, I think it takes speaking up to show that you are a grounded, centered person who is conscious enough to know that the only way you can really “get ahead” is by learning. We can’t learn if we stick to comfort zones instead of change. Change, in my opinion, comes from a tiny ripple in a large pond, one person asking the question others would like to ask, or stating something that others don’t have the guts to say, doing something rather than talking about it, setting an example, setting things in motion. Magically, when this is done, it opens the door for others to open up, and change automatically takes place. This is how we move forward. This is how new inventions are created, laws are passed and how we become more in touch with ourselves and more empathetic to others.

I choose to put myself out there. I’ve learned to have no expectations when I do this. Although we’d all like to be supported in all we do, understood, accepted and embraced, that’s just not reality. I realize that I’ll have tomatoes thrown at me, but why should I let others tell me that I do or don’t have a right to have the stage and speak my part? When tomatoes are being thrown, they hurt me, and I feel like I could fall down from their momentum, just collapse on stage. I wonder who threw them and why, gently reminding myself that’s “their stuff,” being projected onto me and it’s up to me to maintain my balance. If I concentrate too hard on the “why” and become a victim, then I lose focus on my own journey and what this lesson is teaching me.

We all make different choices based on our belief systems, our goals and our perceptions of self and others. I’ve heard others say that learning how to get along with all types of people, especially in the business world, is much of what it takes to “succeed.” The word success is relative to me, both personally and professionally, and I don’t feel that I lack the skills necessary to “succeed,” but rather, I simply choose a different route. I choose to go out of the box, not bite my tongue and allow my feelings to surface, rather than repress for the sake of x, y or z. My experience with repression is that it can often lead to depression and/or lashing out later, neither of which feels very good. I don’t view myself as incompetent if a relationship (personal or professional) ends just because I voiced an opinion or allowed my curiosity to rise to the surface. I honor my heart and soul enough to let them lead the way, let them have “voice.” And, in most cases, I definitely learn from the experience. I learn through the other person something about myself, and I can then go inward and dig a little deeper, acknowledging more about my truth. (This is not to say that I don’t experience a myriad of emotions along the way!) Since I believe that we live in an abundant Universe, in which all we need will be provided, I am confident that I will find my way along the journey to the next place I am meant to go, not having sacrificed or squelched myself in any capacity.

I admire qualities in others which reflect determination, motivation and drive. I also acknowledge that we all have certain gifts we are born with, and that we all work in different ways to reach our goals. One cannot be better or worse than another. What I most value, however, is staying true to oneself as much as possible and committing yourself to finding as much joy in your journey as possible. If we trick ourselves into thinking that an uncomfortable or forced behavior is justified, then we are not being true to ourselves. If we find ourselves saying one thing, but inside feeling another, that is not living authentically. Living authentically is hard work. It means constantly staying aware and conscious, being completely honest with ourselves and making the necessary changes to get back on the journey of joy. It’s much easier to follow the easy road, not stopping to consider another route. But along the easy road, where we are comfortable, familiar fears get in the way and persistent patterns stop us in our tracks. We take a few steps forward, but then a few steps back. While this is all part of our journey and should be honored as such, it is also a sign that we need to examine more closely what it is that we want and how we feel we’re holding ourselves back. While it’s easier to blame someone else or to avoid thinking about uncomfortable feelings altogether, ultimately, it’s that “yuckyness” that leads us to the next destination on our journey and brings us closer to ourselves.

Things that happen in our life, the way we were raised, our pre-dispositions, etc. all play a role in determining how we handle things. This is okay, as long as we are careful to honor others and, most importantly, honor ourselves. I think this is often the trickiest part. We may act as though we do, even tell ourselves that we do, but are we really honoring ourselves and others? Are we really speaking up? Asking for what we want? Fighting for what we believe in? Empathizing? Listening to someone else without judgment? What is it in the voice of others that conjures up the fears we have in ourselves? And how can we overcome those fears so that we can open up rather than shut down?

It’s funny…the further along I go on my journey, the more I recognize these things in myself and in others. It’s the mirror…a constant reflection of who we are and where we stand at any given time. If we are brave enough to take a look, then we are courageous enough to make a change. I know that I see myself in others all the time, be it through anger or joy or love or jealousy…the list goes on. Things that we once thought were negative can now become positives, if we choose to learn from them, to really listen and hear the message that they are speaking. If we listen when our fears talk to us, we’ll find the truth. Once we can get past our defenses, beyond the tomatoes that are thrown by others, beyond our own fears, that is when we can find the JOY in our journey.

What does it mean for you to take the road less traveled on your journey? And what step could you take to get there?

Bump in the Road

2009-04-06T14:55:00.005-05:00

It seems that hitting a bump in the road on our journey is inevitable. What matters is how we handle that bump, what measure we take to move beyond it and what we learn about ourselves as we do so.

There are many tangents I can go on in regard to this matter, but let me just start with what’s recently been going on in my life. To begin, I am a hyperactive person. I have a lot of ideas, energy and creative passion. However, on the flip side, I can easily exhaust myself with so much thought that when it comes to physically executing a goal or task or even a minor daily thing, I can shut down. This has been a struggle of mine and, as I’ve been told and researched, common in most artists. I grapple to accept this.

These very things are what keep me moving, what keep the juices flowing, if you will. It’s what keeps me starting that engine and driving along, even if sideways, rather than forwards sometimes. Or to just circle around the block, comforting myself, the way in which a mother rocks her baby.

So, as of late, I found myself having navigated my way through a series of intense experiences and epiphanies in my life. A big shout-out to the School of Integrative/Spiritual Psychology on this one. What we do there often leads to such deep inner work that it can’t help but achieve its purpose, which is to help us apply that which we learn about ourselves to our “real life” outside of classes.

In early March, the fog was beginning to lift for me. Having gone through the Personal Integration Program last year, and having my guts thrown all over the floor, I wound up in a spot of more grounded, centered self-assuredness, a keen awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, and where/how I belong in the world around me. As you know, this is an on-going learning process. I just feel blessed to have been given great tools that help me to stay aware and self-forgiving as I drive along.

My second year in the Spiritual Leadership Program has had a different dynamic, in that it has challenged me to really take a look at myself – the inner child, the adult woman, the spiritual leader that I am, the way I relate to people in my life circles (i.e. work, family, friends, etc). And thus I found myself facing things with a greater confidence and inner knowing, a wider circle of courage that allows me to continue to learn and put my dreams and goals into motion, scary as that is.

So, there I was, on a roll, finally getting along with my boss, grateful for the job (and believe me, there’s LOTS of bumps in the road there), into a groove with a presentation that I had to complete for class, which for me involved getting this website up and running (a vision I’d had for almost two years) and working out at the gym again on a regular basis. I felt mind/body/spirit was all being well taken care of….alas, I had another trip looming….

Now, as some of you know, I LOVE to travel, and do so whenever possible. However, I realized that it was time to cut back and think about staying put for a bit, focusing on the things I felt were taking priority, and save up for later. So, I had to decide whether or not to postpone or cancel my trip to California. I have relatives out there that I don’t often see, not to mention friends and acquaintances. Having gone there many times as a child to visit, I am familiar with Los Angeles, but this time was going to be different. Not having been there for nearly five years, I was ready to see it in a new light – my own, as the “new me.”

I hemmed and hawed, heard lots of opinions, and considered my options….ultimately, I did end up going. I knew that when I got back, I had basically two weeks to get my website ready (with the help of the wonderful women who designed it) and to prepare for my presentation. I saw a lot of sides to myself in those two weeks! Lol. But I made it. And I felt a great sense of accomplishment and pride for having completed the first of a series of goals on my journey toward becoming an author/life coach, etc.

The presentation that I gave was held on a Sunday, and I felt so warmed by the audience’s response, so encouraged and reassured about my calling, that I reveled in that for a few days. I expressed to friends and family my gratitude for all that I’d been able to achieve thus far in my life, and again, my gratitude for my current job.

Two days later, on that Tuesday, as I was about to leave work, my employer pulled me aside (are you getting that sick feeling in your stomach and hearing the music from the “Tums” commercial?” uh huh). Unlike most companies who are downsizing due to lack of business, there are other issues going on where I work. Because of this, the situation had become so out of control that someone had to be “temporarily” unemployed. That someone was me.

Without having more than 10 minutes to process the news, I wished my boss the best and said I’d wait to hear. She is hoping to bring me back as soon as she can. However, as the night went on, the process began. “What if she doesn’t? I’ve got debt to pay off, a car whose ‘check engine’ light just decided to come on and other costly things to take care of?”

Let me backtrack a bit here and let you know that this is now the fourth year in a row, at this time of year, that I’ve been “let go” for whatever reason. And each time I’ve been at a different spot in my life. One year I had no unemployment, took all my savings and went on a month-long road trip. The Universe is so abundantly resourceful that just as I returned, I got a call and was recruited for a job. That job lasted until the following April, when I was let go because I “didn’t fit in with the politics of the office.” A blessing, and happening on my luckiest day (the 13^th, and it was a FRIDAY at that!), I felt it was just an opportunity. Going on unemployment, I thought about my next move, but didn’t go into panic mode. I trusted.

I then began to dabble in working for some local business women who do things in the life coaching arena. For various reasons, neither worked out or resulted in a full-time job, so I then found the job that I was just referring to, and have been there ever since, with the exception of being “let go” last summer, along with the rest of the staff, for reasons that I cannot publically share.

So, I’ve hit many bumps before in the world of work. Having worked for a family business for fifteen years, it took me a lot to leave, but in 2005, I finally did, and found a sense of relief. No more drama, time for me to get on with my own dreams, my own life, and prove to myself that I could do it on my own.

For the first few years I struggled, working two or three dead-end jobs that didn’t pay much, finally coming across a job seemed good enough – wrong! That was the first one that let me go because the business shut down! So …I’m familiar with being in this place, and have learned that, especially in today’s day and age, nothing is stable, and you have to adapt to change and roll with it.

However, this most recent one couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was just sitting down to address, seriously, my financial concerns and try to come up with a plan….even thinking of getting a second job, maybe even just for the summer…when boom! There it was again. Seems every time I try to get ahead, I must take two steps backward (a whole other lesson in and of itself…my own manifestation…which, again, could be a HUGE blessing!)

Thanks to my wonderful support groups at school, I had a place to share this initial shock. I knew that whatever happened, it would be just as the Universe wanted it, and that I was meant, once again, to learn something from this. Rather than analyze it or jump on the job search, I just let it be, allowing myself to “feel” whatever emotions came up. First sadness, then hurt, anger, even resentment. Eventually, peace has come, knowing that all will work out as it should. My dreams of moving to other cities are always floating around in my mind, but again, I let the Universe guide that.

So, I then went to talk to my parents, who offered what they could in a time of recession: a job and a cheaper place to live for however long it may take to get on my feet. Now, you may be reading this and thinking, “wow, what a blessing!” And while I don’t fully disagree with you, you must understand that for me, this posed a huge new bump in the road.

Going back to work for the family business could mean facing all of the dysfunction that I once left behind, and in the past was so hard to leave because I was so entangled. And moving into property back in that same town is risky. Not to mention that even though I grew up in a small town, I’m more of a city girl, and having lived in the suburbs now for nearly seven years, I can’t imagine not being 30 seconds away from almost everything. The freeway by me allows me to get to most places within 10-20 minutes. I like being around noise and people, feeling like I’m not alone somewhere, and feeling energized by all the interaction that I have. At this property, it’s set back in a rural setting, and nothing is 30 seconds away except a gas station. Not that it’s completely in the boondocks, but….

Then there’s the idea of my high speed internet and giving up Cable for the Dish, losing some privacy (living closer to relatives), and (should I return to work at the above-mentioned job, in the area that I have come to enjoy living in) having a longer commute (did I mention that it’s only 5 miles from my current apartment?). Plus, in rural areas, the weather is always worse. The list goes on….

Then there’s my pride….is this going BACKWARD or am I enabling myself to do something that, though I may not have chosen it, will actually help me more safely and quickly get my car back on that road toward my goals? The potential of bad storms brewing ahead leave me feeling a bit unsettled, and yet the vision of me driving down that road for a year and seeing where I am at the other side is also an opportunity.

I know that in times like these, I am blessed with these options; however, instead of making choices out of haste, I must consider how they will affect my sanity and if they are going to keep me steered in the right direction. The last thing I need is an accident right now. I’ve been told that I am often stubborn and “take the hard road.” I can see how people would perceive me as such, but in my eyes, I’m just trying to keep my eyes wide open, being an aggressive and aware driver…

Spiritual and Sexy

2009-03-26T16:50:00.000-05:00

Spiritual and sexy….who says you can’t be both?

Growing up, due to circumstances in my life, I always felt ashamed of embracing my beauty. I think at one point I actually felt like I could do anything…and my first instinct was, and still sort of is, to be an actress and/or model. I would memorize lines without trying and constantly find myself in front of the tube acting them out. My first stellar living room performance was during The Wizard of Oz, when I played the lion. I felt for him, his character, and got so involved in the plot it was ridiculous. I went on to memorize and act out many more movies, moving onto the young adult flicks like “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” and even “Dirty Dancing,” always envisioning myself as the heroine on screen.

I was in all sorts of dance classes and recitals, finding it all to be so fun and glamorous, but as my age got higher, my self-esteem got lower, and at some point it wasn’t all fun anymore, and there weren’t as many possibilities. I started to grow and blossom and I believe I was the tallest girl in my class at least by age 12. I felt awkward, shy and embarrassed that I had to wear larger sizes and that I couldn’t share clothes with friends. I was ashamed of my bone structure and build. I tried to dress as stylishly as I could, but it didn’t help. I still knew the truth, that I was bigger.

I also had learned that these features were noticed, by girls and boys alike, and it made me very uncomfortable. I wanted to be like all the other girls, slim with no waist and no breasts, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to notice. I didn’t want boys to notice me. For all I’d seen in adult relationships, when men stared at women it was for sexual reasons, and that wasn’t a positive thing in my eyes. For several reasons, I became very protective of my body, and was leery of how much of it was seen and who was able to touch it.

I think around age 12, I really began to believe I was truly fat when indeed I was not. That lasted throughout high school, where I weighed a whopping 125 pounds as a girl who is 5’9.” It wasn’t until years later that I looked at pictures of myself and went “wow, I was so thin!” But because I had a pudgy face and low self-esteem, I didn’t see it at the time.

Throughout my grade school and high school years, I bet many would say that I was an attractive girl. Boys did pay attention to me, and girls tried to copy my styles. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and well-dressed, I am sure that I probably appeared that way to others. But to me, I never was worthy enough. I remember my first “boyfriend” in grade school being actively aggressive in the make-out department, and me being deathly afraid. In high school, the very first day, as a freshman, all the senior guys lined the hallway and blatantly stared each one of us up and down, loudly jeering and making lewd comments. It was definitely jarring. I did end up with a steady boyfriend throughout high school, and I eventually did end up feeling comfortable with him, but I always mentioned my weight. I was always concerned about it, and he never understood what “fat” I was talking about. Even though I developed a trust in him, I never found it within myself. The whole female image, in my opinion, was degraded, by society and all that I saw around me.

I learned to hide myself as much as possible. It got worse as I got older. I eventually did gain weight, and I believe now that I use eating not only as a means of emotional solace, but subconsciously as a shield, an excuse to keep me from being looked at. When I was at my largest, I still was told that I was attractive, no matter what size I was. I, of course, didn’t believe this, and even when I did lose that weight, went on to dye my hair. I no longer wanted to be “the typical blond.” So I went dark brown. I got the reaction I wanted. People looked at me different. I didn’t draw so much attention. I was respected more, heard less blonde jokes, and definitely felt that I could “blend in” more.

I began my spiritual journey about this time in my life (early twenties), and also began to travel a lot. Whenever I’d travel, I’d find that I could truly be myself, open and receptive to others. No one knew me or my past, had no reason to judge other than by what they saw, and I felt so awakened and alive being surrounded by new and interesting things and people. One of my first trips was out to Newport, Rhode Island, and I’ll always embrace it because it’s where I found my first sense of true liberation. I was able to step away from the place I’d lived my whole life and really have the chance to explore and enjoy myself- not with my parents, not with my friends…just me.

After that, my spiritual path took me many places, including retreats in New Mexico and California, where I began to sit in sacred circles with other women. I noticed how comfortable some of them were in their bodies, and even how this was a topic of discussion. We even did exercises surrounding this. This was all new to me! I was scared of it, and since I was often the youngest one at these things, I latched onto women that I wanted to be like, for whatever reason. This led to more travel and self-exploration, and after another relationship ended, I stayed on my own for a long time.

I swore off men entirely, and unlike many women, didn’t need to be in a sexual relationship to be content. In fact, I preferred it that way. I never grew into my sexuality. I felt very uncomfortable and frozen, unsure of my body and careful not to exude sexuality in any way. You see, I learned that I was noticed no matter what I did. So, I tried to hunch my shoulders (my posture suffers from it now!), not wear revealing clothing or walk in a certain way, and most of all, avoid eye contact at all costs. I stopped going to bars or out dancing because I didn’t like random men eyeing me up or trying to invade my personal space. I refused to meet new people, because everyone I did meet seemed the same.

And so I disconnected myself entirely from my feminine presence, sexual energy and all. It wasn’t until I was out of the dating game for over four years and into a program at the School of Integrative Psychology here in Milwaukee that I began to realize something was wrong. I’d read up on goddess energy and seen women of all sizes embrace their beauty, and I could understand it on a cognitive level, but I could never physically sustain it.

When I went to Europe last year, I saw how freely and openly they honor their bodies, and it opened my eyes even further. “Why can’t I be like that?” I’d find myself wondering. I’d see all sizes and types of women, friends of mine who are tiny and petite, super skinny or heavyset, all feeling okay with who they were in their body….and not only owning, but flaunting their sexual energy.

I began to wonder if it was time I started to really pay attention to this. When faced with uncomfortable, yet rewarding exercises at the school, and having conversations with my girlfriends, paying attention to others and just observing, I started to take this more seriously. I realized how fragmented I am…my mind being my primary mode of being, totally disjointed from my body. I got reconnected with an old friend who is all about fashion and beauty. He has a totally different lease on life than I do, yet we are very similar in our creative and passionate ways. His presence in my life aroused something that had lain dormant for years. I suddenly found myself being looked at and judged, but in a positive way, ALL the time. Whenever around him, all he would do is sing my praises, telling me how gorgeous I am, how great my height is, how wonderful my jaw line, how beautiful the nape of my neck, and so on, making me feel as though I already were a model, and having fun dressing me up and bringing out a part of me I’d never really seen.

Watching him live true to his good looks inspired me to embrace my own. He doesn’t hold back from expressing his sexuality, his energy or his beauty…so why should I? It looked so good, so fun to do that, so right…I tried it, and when I got supported by him in doing it, I kept doing it. Even though we don’t live in the same state, his spirit stuck with me, and I became much more aware of the way I dress, the makeup I wear, the way that I walk, and the way that I own my own energy.

Throughout this last year, I’ve started to embrace my body, my beauty and my sexual and feminine energy. Even though I still feel a bit overweight, it’s beyond that now. It’s about me, my essence. Why should I hold back? If someone is going to react a certain way, so be it. It’s not about them – it’s about me. I am the one who needs to feel not only okay, but FABULOUS about who I am and how I look. It’s been quite the ride. I kept thinking that if I wanted to dress more fashionable, that was somehow going against my spiritual vision, as I tend to be more Bohemian. The more I was introduced to, and the more encouragement I got, the more I continued anyway. Amazingly, in this past year and a half, I have had several people come straight up to me to comment solely on my beauty, and mostly in a spiritual setting! I found this baffling! It brought up all sorts of things for me, and for them…first, it was hard for me to receive it. But after a while, it got easier. And the reasons that people told me they were telling me this…so humbling. It was as if they wondered how I could not see it and why I would not want to own it.

What wonderful words to hear, and for me, such a “wow” moment! I truly felt a shift and began feeling able to receive these compliments without internally saying, “Yeah, right, what are they talking about” or “yeah, they’re just saying that because…” and I actually had a guy tell me privately that he was at first intimidated by looks, and that made him nervous to work with me at the retreat. I so appreciated this feedback. It explained SO much! He told me that I was a wonderful woman to work with, but that my beauty was the first thing that struck him, and that was his first impression. These are things, I’ve realized, that are beyond my control. My outer appearance is what it is, and people are going to react. And rather than resist them, I now embrace them. They are compliments! People are seeing me the way I once saw myself, when I wasn’t jaded. I also had to come to terms with the fact that this isn’t about me being arrogant or self-centered, or anything I’d associated with being good-looking or owning your beauty. Just the contrary, most of the people that have worked with me and who know the struggles I have had, understand that I’m not shallow or non-spiritual or egotistical – I’m just like any other girl.

For me, what was and continues to be liberating is the idea of letting myself be sexy and spiritual at the same time. I can be a seeker of truth and light and love and still love high-end fashion and like to swagger when I walk. I can feel awful and cry and dig into the trenches of my soul through schoolwork and other life challenges, and still decide to throw on a most amazing outfit, which upon seeing, gives me head-turning reactions. And I can walk tall doing this (in my heels, of course), feeling good about the way that I look. (By the way, I've been a redhead now for at least three years, and it is FABULOUS! I feel sexy, vibrant, unique and powerful! It is a shocking color and it totally works for me and all that I stand for right now).

Why can I do this? Because I’ve seen my inner beauty. I see that what’s really happening is that I’ve accepted the body God gave me, and that people find me attractive. I now view this as a positive, rather than a negative. The theme of my life these days seems to be integration and balance, and this is just another example of a way in which I am doing that. Being able to STOP HIDING from my body, my energy, the sexuality that everyone has and carries within them, is like a burden lifted. Though it’s still not 100% easy, it feels so nice to let limitations go. Why can’t I dress or walk or feel sexy just because I’m “spiritual?” I am the one who put that into my head. I thought, “How can I claim to be spiritual when I like nice cars and want to have a nice home and travel to exotic places and wear fun, fashionable clothing that accentuates my features?” When before, I was thinking, “spiritual people don’t think about that stuff….their much more ‘real’ and not so caught up in those material things…” I was also afraid that if I let my beauty out more, embracing it, showing it, owning it, that I’d risk people making false assumptions and judgments, even risk making friends or connections because people would assume that I’m just all about image. I myself get intimidated when I encounter a beautiful woman, immediately feeling “this big.” But somehow I was lucky enough to realize that doesn’t have to be the case. By enabling myself to receive, and to give of my beauty, inner and outer, I am being spiritual. And why sell myself short and not experience the joys and pleasures that sexiness and beauty has to offer? Every woman deserves to feel sexy and to shine, not hide, her beauty.

I continue on this phase of my journey every day, especially as I try to lose those 20 pounds that I never seem to. But I learn to accept myself and love myself just the same….it’s harder some days than others. Since turning 30 this past year, a lot of things seemed to shift for me, and some of what I used to worry about seems less important now, and I feel more empowered. This is me, always will be me, just as I am. Twenty pounds lighter or not, clad in Chanel or a funky Bohemian skirt, in a spiritual setting or exploring a fabulous city. Whatever the case, it’s all a part of who I am. If I deny any part of who I am, then I am denying myself the joy of my wholeness. The biggest lesson I continue to learn from this is to not hide, period – end of story. Be who you are, embrace what you’ve got and don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you.

What Are You Filling Your Gas Tank With?

2009-03-26T16:46:00.001-05:00

As we move forward on our journeys, we need something to keep us fueled. We often fill up our “gas tanks” of life with all sorts of things, some that we aren’t even aware of. What is it that we run on? Is it adrenaline? Is it motivation? Is it love?

In my habits, I’ve noticed that I try to “fill up” on good stuff, like exercise, yoga, healthy diet, meditation, knowledge, etc. But sometimes I fall short, and I start to fill up with empty fuel and quick fixes. Sometimes it’s coffee or sugar, sometimes bad relationships that provide something I need in the moment, something to “get me through” until I run out of steam again. I can gather enough from someone or something to push me through, I tell myself, and I do…but then what happens when you run out again? If I keep putting toxic things in, obviously we know the result. But sometimes we are unaware. Sometimes we don’t know any better. Sometimes we are gluttons for punishment.

Some of us run on empty, busying ourselves with work or social life. Some of us turn to addictive habits to fill us up for the time being, like painkillers, sleeping aids, alcohol or other drugs. Some of us turn to food. Maybe it’s TV or other distractions, and we get used to this habit, this pattern, and as a result, our life is not functioning at its optimum performance. What do we and how do we recognize this?

Stop. Sit in silence, and listen. Pay attention. Notice what you are avoiding and what you are truly seeking. If it’s love, maybe you fill up with friends and family, or maybe a relationship that is going nowhere, just so you have something. If it’s money, maybe you fill up with work overload. If it’s acceptance, maybe you fill up with designer clothing or the “right-looking” friends. Maybe you go out clubbing or to the bars. Maybe, just maybe, you fill up on nothing, withdrawing from the world. If you stop and listen, you know what the truth is. And the bottom line is you always have a choice.

Sometimes I find myself filling up by talking….this could easily turn into venting unless I have a purpose in mind when I call someone. I am one who, as an expressionist, needs to usually communicate my feelings…though I’ve learned that I must be selective in who I choose to trust with information, and with my heart. I can fill myself up with good conversation or a good tearjerker on Lifetime or Hallmark, and sometimes let out what needs to be released.

Sometimes what I fill up on is journaling. This is a safe place for me to go and stay aware of my feelings, let them out, ponder thoughts and think about my life. I reflect and react, in a place where no one sees it but me.

Sometimes I fill up with too many social activities, sometimes too many commitments, and sometimes, I fill up with addictions to online venues, like MySpace or Facebook. This can lead to addiction!

Why do we choose the things we fill up with, and are we aware when we are doing it? How is our performance level as a result of our choices? Do we notice better results if we choose different things, even though those things may take more willpower to use? Or do we stick with what we know and what is easy and comfortable?

Do we fill up with other people, counting on them to make us happy, to help us along, to justify our emotions and fulfill us? Do we depend on them to help us operate? If so, when do we realize that we aren’t taking good care of our own bodies, our own lives? That we are, in fact, abusing them instead? And how do we go about making that shift?

Looking Back and Missing Signs

2009-03-24T19:11:00.001-05:00

It’s only natural, I think, to sometimes look backward and think we may have taken a wrong turn, or missed a sign. We feel that perhaps if we’d only taken the other road, we’d be where we need to be now, or if we’d paid more attention, maybe we’d have seen the signs we needed to see.

In life, it is easy to get overwhelmed by choices and emotions. We make decisions based on where we are at a certain point in time. We may not be using Premium fuel because we think we are not worthy of it, and so we make decisions to reflect that. I know that I for one have way too often put my dreams into a far off place, thinking I’d never really be good enough to make them come true.

I can sometimes spend way too much time looking back at my choices, and wondering how/what/if things would be otherwise. I can think, “why did I spend so much time with him” or “why didn’t I stay at that job?” or “How could I have let myself gain so much weight?” or “Why didn’t I ever notice that before…was it always like that?” or “Geez, were my parents right all along?” or “Wow, did I really say that to someone?”

I begin to wonder if I’d missed or ignored important signs along the way, and become paranoid that I’m not noticing all of them now. “Did that mean I was supposed to move?” or “Oh, no! Did I just completely misread this person and ruin a relationship?” These are thoughts that most of us probably have, somewhere in our minds, at some place along our journey. What do we do with these thoughts?

Sometimes it’s good to look back. You are able to see yourself in a new light, becoming more objective and realizing your hard work and accomplishments. I know that when I look back at me at age 23, I see a HUGE difference in who I am today. I am able to give myself credit for all the learning I’ve done, through retreats, learning centers, even traveling and meeting new people. I am able to see where each choice I made led me, including jobs and relationships. I find this beneficial in that I am able to gauge my progress. However, if we get too caught up in the past, or we look back with too much worry and regret, it can stall in the middle of the road.

I am one who often goes back in time, wondering why I never took certain roads, like becoming a model at a young age, or following acting, which was my first passion. Now, whenever I see someone else making a career of it, I have reactions that I have to deal with, and it forces me to go through emotions each time. Throughout the process, I do become more in touch with who I am, and what I can do, what I choose to do. I also can really beat myself up if I want to. I begin to have a skewed vision of reality. I will tell myself awful things and start to believe them, and lose complete faith in all that I’ve done and not pay any attention to where I am now, much less where I am headed in the future.

I’ve come to realize that each time this happens, I get clearer and clearer on who I am and where I want to go on my journey. This, again, is a process, and unfortunately doesn’t happen overnight. Usually, many things have to happen in order for me to “get” it. I will go through a lot of sorrow, looking back, wondering, just to come to a place of, “Well, it’s done and over, and this is why I did what I did at the time.” But sometimes reliving those choices, remembering the place I was at in my life at that time, can bring me closer to myself and who I am now. I can look at them and put it into perspective. Perhaps if I had it all to do over again, knowing now what I didn’t know then, I would make different choices. But life doesn’t work that way. You have no way of going back in time; you can only continue to move forward.

I find myself looking for signs in all that I do, hoping to get an answer from the Universe, to receive guidance. Signs are always there. But just as with any road sign, sometimes they can be misinterpreted. You may think you should head down a certain street, or stop along the way to visit a certain area, maybe even hesitate to pull into a parking spot, and all with good reason. I tend to second-guess my instincts a lot, and get mad at myself if I make a choice and things don’t turn out how I want them to. I think this is pretty normal, and that brings me some peace. However, I still struggle with it.

Some people are goal-setters and live their life by that. They think it’s a matter of bucking up, staying strong and pushing ahead. I’m just too emotional for that sometimes, and it upsets me when people tell me to “let go” when I’m not ready to let go, or to “stop dwelling” or “follow the plan and you’ll meet your goals.” That’s all fine and good, but not when emotion gets involved.

I think that in many ways, yes, we tend to stay more on task when we have a destination in mind, a place we envision ourselves ending up. I also think that there are so many things that can happen along the way that make it not so black and white. I may have the goal of writing my first book by age 30, and it may not happen. Just because I have that goal doesn’t mean that my mind, heart or soul are ready to produce that. I may need to go through some inner healing work before I write that book. Or I may need to learn some things that are going to be pertinent for me to share in it.

Everyone’s process is different, but the point is to honor it. For me, I know that if I try to speed things up or force myself into something just for the sake of doing it, chances are it may trigger my anxiety. Or, on the other hand, it may be just what I need to give me that “push.” One never knows. The key is to pay attention the way “signs” resonate for you. If you feel as though you need to be angry for a while, be angry! If someone tells you to “get over it” or “that’s an awful thing to say,” they are suffocating your emotions and holding you from moving forward. Stay at your own pace and follow your own inclinations.

There have been many times where I, since I am the type of person who likes to talk about everything and communicate a lot, people have often walked the other way, feeling exhausted by the conversation or simply not understood what was taking me so long, and gotten frustrated and offered advice that did not help. When I need to let go of something, there is a time in which I will do that, but not when someone else tells me to. Though I’m’ sure these people are trying to help me, sometimes I feel even more judged, or even more like a failure, if people are viewing me as such by thinking, “Well she should be over that by now,” or “What ‘s the big deal? Why doesn’t she move on?” or “Well, she just needs to do x, y or z in order to achieve her goal.” I’m the type of person whose goal is never entirely clear, and is ever-changing. I’m also a very emotional person, which makes staying “on task” often difficult.

Right now I am at a place on my journey where I know the value of a goal and I also accept myself as emotional. So, reaching out for support is tricky for me, and I have to be selective in whom I ask, and careful on how I perceive responses. I often get frustrated at the fact that, in my opinion, any goals I’ve had in life have not been met. Yet I look back again, and see all the traveling I’ve done, all the people I’ve met, places I’ve seen, events I’ve gone to and all the learning I’ve done, and I can’t hold that as true. I’ve also beat myself up over being too emotional over the years. Now I try to understand that more, and be gentle with myself, even when others cannot understand it. I think that the key is balance, and that’s what I’m really working on right now in my life.

Eventually I turn my eyes back to the road I’m on now, full aware of my past, and conscious of what I want in my future, and accept things as best I can. I know that emotions are a big part of who I am, and that is actually a part of why I feel the calling for the type of career that I want. At the same time, I am also trying to keep a better perspective on things and not personalize and internalize so much. I am constantly trying to stay more aware of everything that happens, from interactions with friends, co-workers and my parents, to the types of activities I’m choosing and where I’m going and how I’m spending my time. Emotion can be stifling at times, keeping me from all that I want to do. Yet, it can help blossom into a beautiful part of the journey that, without it, could never be possible.

Who Is in the Driver's Seat?

2009-03-24T19:05:00.000-05:00

As I find myself on different parts of my journey, I sometimes must stop and think for a minute of whether or not I am still in the driver’s seat. It’s very easy for me to let someone else take over, or for me to go on cruise control and not really pay attention to the road. While I set out with the best of intentions, I can often become distracted and I forget to stay present to what is happening right around me.

It may be something as simple as letting the words and reactions of others become so personalized that it begins to affect my ability to stay on track and steer clearly. I may then dwell upon the reactions and feedback that I’ve gotten, and let that throw me totally off course. This is not only upsetting, but completely self-sabotaging. The more I think about something that I may have said wrong or things I didn’t do or ways that I acted which I am not proud of, or if I try too hard and invest too much energy into figuring out why someone else feels the way they do, the more I lose my own center. And then I hinge upon co-dependency, not to mention that I begin slowing down and wasting fuel.

It often occurs that once I become comfortable with someone, feeling that I can trust them and once I like them and feel that they like me, I will tend to speak up more often, and sometimes I don’t stay within the wonderful ways of “healthy” communication that I’ve learned. Instead of always looking through the eyes of love or practicing patience, I may step away from the always-developing spiritual side of me that I’ve worked so hard on, and go back to the “easy” way, or as I tend to say, the “old” me. This is when things slip out without me even thinking about the consequences or the way it may offend or hurt another. I know that when this happens, it is a part of me, and I must accept that. I am not perfect. I am not always going to do or say things the way I mean to or strive to. Sometimes I falter, and when this happens, it is very easy for me to get caught up in feeling awful and letting that steer me right into the ditch. I let it control my life, holding regret, wanting to resolve the issue immediately, to justify my actions, explain myself and have people understand why, so that they can say “It’s okay,” and I don’t have to feel so bad. In truth, I must not only take responsibility for it, but use it for my own continued learning and awareness.

Now, at the time that it’s happening, that is the last thing I want to do. I’d rather run to old habits, like writing that person off or getting even more of an attitude…it’s only human nature. But then my true inner essence comes back, reminding me that we are all human, and I feel bad, sad and remorseful enough to realize that I need to make some changes, stay more aware. It’s up to me to see why I’m acting like this, to ask myself where it came from, what triggered it, and what do I need to do at this point. I can’t continue to look back, but in order to move forward, I must first forgive myself, even if the other has not. This is huge. To know that all parts of me are not “warm and fuzzy” is to admit that I’m human. To really take in what has happened is not for me to make sure I “resolve” this thing with the other (though that is a goal), but to make inner peace again with myself. To hug that wounded, angry and hurt little girl inside of me that said or did something, and tell her, “Okay, this is why you did it. And in the process, here’s what happened. Now, let’s work with this.” It’s my opinion that this keeps me real, and that by sharing things like this with people such as yourself, it allows us to connect more.

Of course I strive to be the best person I can be, but sometimes I just lose that consciousness, or I ignore it, because that’s easier and safer at the time. In the end, I always come back to it, having to revisit the “ugly” parts of myself that I’d rather not look at. This doesn’t mean that I let myself off the hook and say “Well it’s their problem, then, and I don’t need to explain or apologize..” yadda yadda yadda. It doesn’t mean that I take the wheel back and never let anyone else be part of my journey again, though sometimes that is just the way I feel. That in itself is part of the challenge: showing all parts of myself and being okay with it. Every one of us has parts of ourselves that we’d rather not show, but sometimes we do show them. And when we do, we must accept that this is an opportunity.

When I go inward, letting go of all judgement of myself and of others, letting go of any worry, and really thinking about it, I can usually tell (maybe not immediately) what led me there, and recognize patterns. Sometimes I see parts of my father in my own actions, the parts I swore I’d never be like, or maybe a glimpse of the girl I was 10 years ago, angry and confused, before I had any of the knowledge that I have today, lashing out because she feels unloved and misunderstood. While these may be the facts, they’re not a justification. However, this entire process, and really allowing myself to go through this process, is what enables me to understand where this is coming from. I can then say, “Oh, that was a coping mechanism that I learned, and I applied it. Oops! I know better than that!” Or I can recognize, “Gee, I’ve gotten really comfortable with this person. They really ‘get’ me, so I am free now to keep let my guard down,” and then I end up saying and doing things I otherwise wouldn’t, just because I’ve changed that comfort level and put my consciousness on cruise control. It’s hurtful and hard to hear someone that you care about reflect to you ways that you have hurt or offended them. They may reject you altogether.

When this happens, I know that I resort to some of my old habits, and I completely lose sense of my inner self, my true self, which really yearns to be empathetic and peaceful, connected in love with others. I automatically begin to beat myself up over what I did wrong, looking at myself as a terrible person and wondering how I will ever go on. It takes a lot of courage to hold myself and say, “It’s okay.” I let myself know that perhaps I did do something I am not proud of, or something that cost me someone or something, but that if I keep beating myself up, I’m never really getting the message. The message is awareness. Always going back to a sense of self-forgiveness and knowing that I have to get back into that car, keep on driving, and keep my eyes on the road.

I find that I often compare myself to others, and am prone to jealousy. I could get into the whole “why” with you on this, but maybe that’s another blog. The point I’d like to make is that sometimes I compare myself so much to others that I end up with resentment or self-loathing, neither of which is a positive feeling. And I say this to you to show you that I’m human. Just because I’m a spiritual-seeking person doesn’t mean I’m always going to act like one. Ego is a huge part of what can get into the way, and often does for me. It’s a battle, one that I continue to endure. And when I compare, I judge myself and others. I see someone living their dream and wonder why I haven’t been able to live mine. I dwell on this. I begin to give up. Or I give too much power again to someone else, completely dismissing all the work that I have done to make myself who I am and get where I am today. It’s as though I drive backwards for a while, unable to switch gears.

I usually then attach “the Big E,” expectation. I start to put unrealistic expectations on myself and others, stemming from anger and fear. That’s what’s really going on deep down. I’m looking at someone else, thinking “I want that. It’s not fair that I don’t have it. How’d they get it? How come I’ve worked so hard and not gotten it?” Or I may resent them for not understanding my pain and suffering, for not “getting” where I am or why I am feeling the way I am. It could be something as simple as “they have a nicer car than me” or something as large as “they are blessed with more friends than me,” or “they got their career started, why can’t I?” I begin to think something is wrong with me. I give that power away again, letting my path be steered by others, even though they, nor I may not even be aware of it. I get so caught up in what I don’t have, or what I haven’t done that I forget the purpose of where I am, and what I have done. I tend to find it easier to isolate myself and tell myself that I am not worthy of anything than to make an effort on my own behalf. In doing so, I miss out on connecting with others if I shut down too much. Instead of supporting and encouraging myself to continue along, I then dwell on these other thoughts which keep me from getting further along on my own journey.

Once I pause for a moment and pull over to the side of the road to take a good look at things, I can reconnect and once again become aware. I can look at the expectations that I have and see why I may have them. I can understand, then, why I a may have such anger or jealousy toward someone, or why I may lash out or withdraw. Usually it’s because I want something that they have, and I feel I deserve it just as much. Or perhaps I feel they have wronged me in some way, and I expect them to make the effort to resolve it. In these moments it is very difficult to remember my own path and where I was headed in the first place. But once I can step out of the place of being connected only to the external, I can go back to the internal, where expectation can be let go, forgiveness can heal and self-acceptance can return. I can’t leave my car parked on the side of the road forever. Someone, at some point, is going to come along and ask me to move it.

When I feel that others are in the driver’s seat, I am no longer steering my own path. I am letting it be navigated for me, even though the other person may not even realize that I’m letting them do the driving (which often results in misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, anger, resentment and disconnection). Whether it is other people’s opinions, thoughts, reactions or lack of, I can easily let that deter me. I let all the external things take control, when indeed, it’s always, as we know, the internal that tells us the truth and keeps us aligned. Once you have hit that place where you can no longer even see yourself, you know it’s time to put the right ones back on and take a good look.

If you see rain clouds ahead, you can either say “Well the day is ruined. I’m not going any further. I knew this wouldn’t work” and chuck everything out the window. Or you can say, “Well I have no idea what may happen if I hit a rainstorm or some dark clouds, but I certainly can’t stay in this spot for the rest of my life,” and continue to move forward. Sometimes we do get stuck, though, and we don’t know how to get our engine running again. It might not be fun to sit and think about how I’ve hurt someone, or how dark my life suddenly feels, when just yesterday it was full of sunshine and great things. I may get angry. I may cry, and I may have to admit things to myself that I’d prefer not. But in the long run, it’s worth it- for me, and for those around me. I will gain more respect for myself and from others if I am honest and willing to look within myself first. I will also stop wasting fuel.

When I find that I am letting any of these get in the way of my journey and are keeping me off-track, one of the most important I must remember is that this is part of who I am. To ignore that would rob me of something great. I must realize and remember that every single experience and emotion leads me to a better knowing and understanding of myself. And through this process, once I can learn to love, accept and forgive myself, the more I am able to do it with others, which is what I set out to do in the first place.

Passengers and Companions on the Journey

2009-03-24T18:54:00.000-05:00

Throughout my journey, I find that I must remain aware of who it is that I let into my vehicle and how long I let them stay as a passenger. It seems that I am always trying to drive forward, in search of new experiences and interesting people who are like-minded and more on my page. Yet when I find them, sometimes I am afraid to let them in. That would mean allowing them into my personal space, which is quite a risk, since once they are in, they will be able to see the inside of my car, a part of me, and there’s no going back. So I sometimes roll down my window and take a peak, and they offer to join me on the ride, but I keep driving, leaving them there in the pre-judgement that I have made. So, why is it that I manifest people who are ready to take a ride with me, and I am not willing to take it with them?

This conjures up all sorts of pent up fears I’ve harbored, and my mother and father’s voices, like a Greek chorus, echo in my head. “Don’t talk to strangers.” “Only trust people you know.” “Don’t drive into unfamiliar territory.” “That’s dangerous.” “Be careful” “stay on task…” in other words, be skeptical, assume the worst, and stick with what you know. Now how far would that get me in life? It’s as though my parents are in the backseat the entire time, steering me in the direction they’d like me to take.

Or perhaps I let them into the vehicle, but then I sit in silence, not speaking to them or looking at them, for fear that they may not like my driving style or the direction I’m headed. They may suggest taking a different route or even offer to drive. This is both risky and exciting to me. It’s an opportunity if I want it to be, but in order to see what happens, I have to have some trust, and be willing to let go of doubt or judgement. Then I ask myself why I let them in in the first place!

If I feel the need for a jolt, for something new and exciting, like a fun night out, I will most likely head into that district that I know oh so well, where I am guaranteed to find my party girls and can “let my hair down” for a night. Other times, I circle back through my parents’ old neighborhood, where I grew up, disappointed, but not surprised to find that not much has changed at all, and that they basically will only stay in my vehicle as long as I stay in their vacinity. And all the while they bitch about my driving!

Then there are those passengers that distract me from the road I’m on, rather than make for an enjoyable companion along the way. Sometimes I end up coming back to the same intersections, and see the same people waiting to get in. Usually it’s me who rolls down the window, with the causal intent on “just seeing how they are doing.” Before I know it, they’re getting cold or wet from standing outside, or we’re holding up traffic, and so I just let them in, and there begins the same old saga revisited.

Do I subconsciously drive to these places knowing that I will find these people? Practically depending on finding them? Knowing that for whatever reason, I am wanting them back in my life? Is it a comfort thing? Perhaps I don’t know where the road ahead is leading me, so I freak out a bit and drive backward into familiar territory. I feel it will be safer if I bring someone with me, someone I already know. For a time, they prove to be just what I need: an understanding companion who already knows the inside of my car, and I can skip all the formalities as we head onto the journey. They “get” me. But not far along the way, something begins to feel awry, and I start to get a sick feeling in my stomach. They don’t really want to move ahead, at least not in the direction I’m going. We begin to fight over which station to listen to, and they begin to smoke and I don’t like the smell, or I want the sunroof open and they don’t. I end up at a crossroads, eventually letting them back out. Usually it’s somewhere you’d least expect, and it feels so final. If I let them out entirely, then it’s goodbye all over again, and I grieve. But if I keep them in, they only hold me back. I know they mean well, but they need to get back to their own vehicle, so that they can drive in their own direction and stop distracting me from mine. The sad part is, part of me is willing to overlook this just to have someone along…but the stronger, louder part of me screams “no way! Get them out of here!”

It’s at these moments that I cry my eyes out. I never want to let anyone go, yet sometimes I get so angry I throw them right back out into the rain and speed off in search of a car wash. It seems that I try each time to explain to them where I’m headed and invite them to go with me, and each time, just as the last, although they try to be supportive, they just can’t go there. For whatever reason, this is hard for me to take. And so I end up alone again, back on the road, glancing in my rearview…but they’ve disappeared.

As I continue on my way, tears blurring my vision for a while, I have time once again to reflect on why….sometimes it’s just easier to head back to those parts of town that you know like the back of your hand, where you know what you can expect. Even if just for a little while, you have a companion on that road that gets so lonely.

Of course, there are always those passengers who CHOOSE to get out, when I don’t feel that they’ve stayed long enough for the ride.

For what duration, and what reasons, do you pick up passengers? Do you have certain people that are always with you on certain parts of your journey? Or others that just show up out of nowhere? Do you seek out passengers or do they find you? Do you have criteria for who you let in? How has that worked for you? Do you keep your doors locked or open? Do you use your peripheral vision to see what’s going on around you, or are you so focused on the path ahead that you are blind to what is happening in the present?