Bump in the Road

It seems that hitting a bump in the road on our journey is inevitable. What matters is how we handle that bump, what measure we take to move beyond it and what we learn about ourselves as we do so.

There are many tangents I can go on in regard to this matter, but let me just start with what’s recently been going on in my life. To begin, I am a hyperactive person. I have a lot of ideas, energy and creative passion. However, on the flip side, I can easily exhaust myself with so much thought that when it comes to physically executing a goal or task or even a minor daily thing, I can shut down. This has been a struggle of mine and, as I’ve been told and researched, common in most artists. I grapple to accept this.

These very things are what keep me moving, what keep the juices flowing, if you will. It’s what keeps me starting that engine and driving along, even if sideways, rather than forwards sometimes. Or to just circle around the block, comforting myself, the way in which a mother rocks her baby.

So, as of late, I found myself having navigated my way through a series of intense experiences and epiphanies in my life. A big shout-out to the School of Integrative/Spiritual Psychology on this one. What we do there often leads to such deep inner work that it can’t help but achieve its purpose, which is to help us apply that which we learn about ourselves to our “real life” outside of classes.

In early March, the fog was beginning to lift for me. Having gone through the Personal Integration Program last year, and having my guts thrown all over the floor, I wound up in a spot of more grounded, centered self-assuredness, a keen awareness of who I am and what makes me tick, and where/how I belong in the world around me. As you know, this is an on-going learning process. I just feel blessed to have been given great tools that help me to stay aware and self-forgiving as I drive along.

My second year in the Spiritual Leadership Program has had a different dynamic, in that it has challenged me to really take a look at myself – the inner child, the adult woman, the spiritual leader that I am, the way I relate to people in my life circles (i.e. work, family, friends, etc). And thus I found myself facing things with a greater confidence and inner knowing, a wider circle of courage that allows me to continue to learn and put my dreams and goals into motion, scary as that is.

So, there I was, on a roll, finally getting along with my boss, grateful for the job (and believe me, there’s LOTS of bumps in the road there), into a groove with a presentation that I had to complete for class, which for me involved getting this website up and running (a vision I’d had for almost two years) and working out at the gym again on a regular basis. I felt mind/body/spirit was all being well taken care of….alas, I had another trip looming….

Now, as some of you know, I LOVE to travel, and do so whenever possible. However, I realized that it was time to cut back and think about staying put for a bit, focusing on the things I felt were taking priority, and save up for later. So, I had to decide whether or not to postpone or cancel my trip to California. I have relatives out there that I don’t often see, not to mention friends and acquaintances. Having gone there many times as a child to visit, I am familiar with Los Angeles, but this time was going to be different. Not having been there for nearly five years, I was ready to see it in a new light – my own, as the “new me.”

I hemmed and hawed, heard lots of opinions, and considered my options….ultimately, I did end up going. I knew that when I got back, I had basically two weeks to get my website ready (with the help of the wonderful women who designed it) and to prepare for my presentation. I saw a lot of sides to myself in those two weeks! Lol. But I made it. And I felt a great sense of accomplishment and pride for having completed the first of a series of goals on my journey toward becoming an author/life coach, etc.

The presentation that I gave was held on a Sunday, and I felt so warmed by the audience’s response, so encouraged and reassured about my calling, that I reveled in that for a few days. I expressed to friends and family my gratitude for all that I’d been able to achieve thus far in my life, and again, my gratitude for my current job.

Two days later, on that Tuesday, as I was about to leave work, my employer pulled me aside (are you getting that sick feeling in your stomach and hearing the music from the “Tums” commercial?” uh huh). Unlike most companies who are downsizing due to lack of business, there are other issues going on where I work. Because of this, the situation had become so out of control that someone had to be “temporarily” unemployed. That someone was me.

Without having more than 10 minutes to process the news, I wished my boss the best and said I’d wait to hear. She is hoping to bring me back as soon as she can. However, as the night went on, the process began. “What if she doesn’t? I’ve got debt to pay off, a car whose ‘check engine’ light just decided to come on and other costly things to take care of?”

Let me backtrack a bit here and let you know that this is now the fourth year in a row, at this time of year, that I’ve been “let go” for whatever reason. And each time I’ve been at a different spot in my life. One year I had no unemployment, took all my savings and went on a month-long road trip. The Universe is so abundantly resourceful that just as I returned, I got a call and was recruited for a job. That job lasted until the following April, when I was let go because I “didn’t fit in with the politics of the office.” A blessing, and happening on my luckiest day (the 13^th, and it was a FRIDAY at that!), I felt it was just an opportunity. Going on unemployment, I thought about my next move, but didn’t go into panic mode. I trusted.

I then began to dabble in working for some local business women who do things in the life coaching arena. For various reasons, neither worked out or resulted in a full-time job, so I then found the job that I was just referring to, and have been there ever since, with the exception of being “let go” last summer, along with the rest of the staff, for reasons that I cannot publically share.

So, I’ve hit many bumps before in the world of work. Having worked for a family business for fifteen years, it took me a lot to leave, but in 2005, I finally did, and found a sense of relief. No more drama, time for me to get on with my own dreams, my own life, and prove to myself that I could do it on my own.

For the first few years I struggled, working two or three dead-end jobs that didn’t pay much, finally coming across a job seemed good enough – wrong! That was the first one that let me go because the business shut down! So …I’m familiar with being in this place, and have learned that, especially in today’s day and age, nothing is stable, and you have to adapt to change and roll with it.

However, this most recent one couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was just sitting down to address, seriously, my financial concerns and try to come up with a plan….even thinking of getting a second job, maybe even just for the summer…when boom! There it was again. Seems every time I try to get ahead, I must take two steps backward (a whole other lesson in and of itself…my own manifestation…which, again, could be a HUGE blessing!)

Thanks to my wonderful support groups at school, I had a place to share this initial shock. I knew that whatever happened, it would be just as the Universe wanted it, and that I was meant, once again, to learn something from this. Rather than analyze it or jump on the job search, I just let it be, allowing myself to “feel” whatever emotions came up. First sadness, then hurt, anger, even resentment. Eventually, peace has come, knowing that all will work out as it should. My dreams of moving to other cities are always floating around in my mind, but again, I let the Universe guide that.

So, I then went to talk to my parents, who offered what they could in a time of recession: a job and a cheaper place to live for however long it may take to get on my feet. Now, you may be reading this and thinking, “wow, what a blessing!” And while I don’t fully disagree with you, you must understand that for me, this posed a huge new bump in the road.

Going back to work for the family business could mean facing all of the dysfunction that I once left behind, and in the past was so hard to leave because I was so entangled. And moving into property back in that same town is risky. Not to mention that even though I grew up in a small town, I’m more of a city girl, and having lived in the suburbs now for nearly seven years, I can’t imagine not being 30 seconds away from almost everything. The freeway by me allows me to get to most places within 10-20 minutes. I like being around noise and people, feeling like I’m not alone somewhere, and feeling energized by all the interaction that I have. At this property, it’s set back in a rural setting, and nothing is 30 seconds away except a gas station. Not that it’s completely in the boondocks, but….

Then there’s the idea of my high speed internet and giving up Cable for the Dish, losing some privacy (living closer to relatives), and (should I return to work at the above-mentioned job, in the area that I have come to enjoy living in) having a longer commute (did I mention that it’s only 5 miles from my current apartment?). Plus, in rural areas, the weather is always worse. The list goes on….

Then there’s my pride….is this going BACKWARD or am I enabling myself to do something that, though I may not have chosen it, will actually help me more safely and quickly get my car back on that road toward my goals? The potential of bad storms brewing ahead leave me feeling a bit unsettled, and yet the vision of me driving down that road for a year and seeing where I am at the other side is also an opportunity.

I know that in times like these, I am blessed with these options; however, instead of making choices out of haste, I must consider how they will affect my sanity and if they are going to keep me steered in the right direction. The last thing I need is an accident right now. I’ve been told that I am often stubborn and “take the hard road.” I can see how people would perceive me as such, but in my eyes, I’m just trying to keep my eyes wide open, being an aggressive and aware driver…