As I find myself on different parts of my journey, I sometimes must stop and think for a minute of whether or not I am still in the driver’s seat. It’s very easy for me to let someone else take over, or for me to go on cruise control and not really pay attention to the road. While I set out with the best of intentions, I can often become distracted and I forget to stay present to what is happening right around me.
It may be something as simple as letting the words and reactions of others become so personalized that it begins to affect my ability to stay on track and steer clearly. I may then dwell upon the reactions and feedback that I’ve gotten, and let that throw me totally off course. This is not only upsetting, but completely self-sabotaging. The more I think about something that I may have said wrong or things I didn’t do or ways that I acted which I am not proud of, or if I try too hard and invest too much energy into figuring out why someone else feels the way they do, the more I lose my own center. And then I hinge upon co-dependency, not to mention that I begin slowing down and wasting fuel.
It often occurs that once I become comfortable with someone, feeling that I can trust them and once I like them and feel that they like me, I will tend to speak up more often, and sometimes I don’t stay within the wonderful ways of “healthy” communication that I’ve learned. Instead of always looking through the eyes of love or practicing patience, I may step away from the always-developing spiritual side of me that I’ve worked so hard on, and go back to the “easy” way, or as I tend to say, the “old” me. This is when things slip out without me even thinking about the consequences or the way it may offend or hurt another. I know that when this happens, it is a part of me, and I must accept that. I am not perfect. I am not always going to do or say things the way I mean to or strive to. Sometimes I falter, and when this happens, it is very easy for me to get caught up in feeling awful and letting that steer me right into the ditch. I let it control my life, holding regret, wanting to resolve the issue immediately, to justify my actions, explain myself and have people understand why, so that they can say “It’s okay,” and I don’t have to feel so bad. In truth, I must not only take responsibility for it, but use it for my own continued learning and awareness.
Now, at the time that it’s happening, that is the last thing I want to do. I’d rather run to old habits, like writing that person off or getting even more of an attitude…it’s only human nature. But then my true inner essence comes back, reminding me that we are all human, and I feel bad, sad and remorseful enough to realize that I need to make some changes, stay more aware. It’s up to me to see why I’m acting like this, to ask myself where it came from, what triggered it, and what do I need to do at this point. I can’t continue to look back, but in order to move forward, I must first forgive myself, even if the other has not. This is huge. To know that all parts of me are not “warm and fuzzy” is to admit that I’m human. To really take in what has happened is not for me to make sure I “resolve” this thing with the other (though that is a goal), but to make inner peace again with myself. To hug that wounded, angry and hurt little girl inside of me that said or did something, and tell her, “Okay, this is why you did it. And in the process, here’s what happened. Now, let’s work with this.” It’s my opinion that this keeps me real, and that by sharing things like this with people such as yourself, it allows us to connect more.
Of course I strive to be the best person I can be, but sometimes I just lose that consciousness, or I ignore it, because that’s easier and safer at the time. In the end, I always come back to it, having to revisit the “ugly” parts of myself that I’d rather not look at. This doesn’t mean that I let myself off the hook and say “Well it’s their problem, then, and I don’t need to explain or apologize..” yadda yadda yadda. It doesn’t mean that I take the wheel back and never let anyone else be part of my journey again, though sometimes that is just the way I feel. That in itself is part of the challenge: showing all parts of myself and being okay with it. Every one of us has parts of ourselves that we’d rather not show, but sometimes we do show them. And when we do, we must accept that this is an opportunity.
When I go inward, letting go of all judgement of myself and of others, letting go of any worry, and really thinking about it, I can usually tell (maybe not immediately) what led me there, and recognize patterns. Sometimes I see parts of my father in my own actions, the parts I swore I’d never be like, or maybe a glimpse of the girl I was 10 years ago, angry and confused, before I had any of the knowledge that I have today, lashing out because she feels unloved and misunderstood. While these may be the facts, they’re not a justification. However, this entire process, and really allowing myself to go through this process, is what enables me to understand where this is coming from. I can then say, “Oh, that was a coping mechanism that I learned, and I applied it. Oops! I know better than that!” Or I can recognize, “Gee, I’ve gotten really comfortable with this person. They really ‘get’ me, so I am free now to keep let my guard down,” and then I end up saying and doing things I otherwise wouldn’t, just because I’ve changed that comfort level and put my consciousness on cruise control. It’s hurtful and hard to hear someone that you care about reflect to you ways that you have hurt or offended them. They may reject you altogether.
When this happens, I know that I resort to some of my old habits, and I completely lose sense of my inner self, my true self, which really yearns to be empathetic and peaceful, connected in love with others. I automatically begin to beat myself up over what I did wrong, looking at myself as a terrible person and wondering how I will ever go on. It takes a lot of courage to hold myself and say, “It’s okay.” I let myself know that perhaps I did do something I am not proud of, or something that cost me someone or something, but that if I keep beating myself up, I’m never really getting the message. The message is awareness. Always going back to a sense of self-forgiveness and knowing that I have to get back into that car, keep on driving, and keep my eyes on the road.
I find that I often compare myself to others, and am prone to jealousy. I could get into the whole “why” with you on this, but maybe that’s another blog. The point I’d like to make is that sometimes I compare myself so much to others that I end up with resentment or self-loathing, neither of which is a positive feeling. And I say this to you to show you that I’m human. Just because I’m a spiritual-seeking person doesn’t mean I’m always going to act like one. Ego is a huge part of what can get into the way, and often does for me. It’s a battle, one that I continue to endure. And when I compare, I judge myself and others. I see someone living their dream and wonder why I haven’t been able to live mine. I dwell on this. I begin to give up. Or I give too much power again to someone else, completely dismissing all the work that I have done to make myself who I am and get where I am today. It’s as though I drive backwards for a while, unable to switch gears.
I usually then attach “the Big E,” expectation. I start to put unrealistic expectations on myself and others, stemming from anger and fear. That’s what’s really going on deep down. I’m looking at someone else, thinking “I want that. It’s not fair that I don’t have it. How’d they get it? How come I’ve worked so hard and not gotten it?” Or I may resent them for not understanding my pain and suffering, for not “getting” where I am or why I am feeling the way I am. It could be something as simple as “they have a nicer car than me” or something as large as “they are blessed with more friends than me,” or “they got their career started, why can’t I?” I begin to think something is wrong with me. I give that power away again, letting my path be steered by others, even though they, nor I may not even be aware of it. I get so caught up in what I don’t have, or what I haven’t done that I forget the purpose of where I am, and what I have done. I tend to find it easier to isolate myself and tell myself that I am not worthy of anything than to make an effort on my own behalf. In doing so, I miss out on connecting with others if I shut down too much. Instead of supporting and encouraging myself to continue along, I then dwell on these other thoughts which keep me from getting further along on my own journey.
Once I pause for a moment and pull over to the side of the road to take a good look at things, I can reconnect and once again become aware. I can look at the expectations that I have and see why I may have them. I can understand, then, why I a may have such anger or jealousy toward someone, or why I may lash out or withdraw. Usually it’s because I want something that they have, and I feel I deserve it just as much. Or perhaps I feel they have wronged me in some way, and I expect them to make the effort to resolve it. In these moments it is very difficult to remember my own path and where I was headed in the first place. But once I can step out of the place of being connected only to the external, I can go back to the internal, where expectation can be let go, forgiveness can heal and self-acceptance can return. I can’t leave my car parked on the side of the road forever. Someone, at some point, is going to come along and ask me to move it.
When I feel that others are in the driver’s seat, I am no longer steering my own path. I am letting it be navigated for me, even though the other person may not even realize that I’m letting them do the driving (which often results in misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, anger, resentment and disconnection). Whether it is other people’s opinions, thoughts, reactions or lack of, I can easily let that deter me. I let all the external things take control, when indeed, it’s always, as we know, the internal that tells us the truth and keeps us aligned. Once you have hit that place where you can no longer even see yourself, you know it’s time to put the right ones back on and take a good look.
If you see rain clouds ahead, you can either say “Well the day is ruined. I’m not going any further. I knew this wouldn’t work” and chuck everything out the window. Or you can say, “Well I have no idea what may happen if I hit a rainstorm or some dark clouds, but I certainly can’t stay in this spot for the rest of my life,” and continue to move forward. Sometimes we do get stuck, though, and we don’t know how to get our engine running again. It might not be fun to sit and think about how I’ve hurt someone, or how dark my life suddenly feels, when just yesterday it was full of sunshine and great things. I may get angry. I may cry, and I may have to admit things to myself that I’d prefer not. But in the long run, it’s worth it- for me, and for those around me. I will gain more respect for myself and from others if I am honest and willing to look within myself first. I will also stop wasting fuel.
When I find that I am letting any of these get in the way of my journey and are keeping me off-track, one of the most important I must remember is that this is part of who I am. To ignore that would rob me of something great. I must realize and remember that every single experience and emotion leads me to a better knowing and understanding of myself. And through this process, once I can learn to love, accept and forgive myself, the more I am able to do it with others, which is what I set out to do in the first place.
It may be something as simple as letting the words and reactions of others become so personalized that it begins to affect my ability to stay on track and steer clearly. I may then dwell upon the reactions and feedback that I’ve gotten, and let that throw me totally off course. This is not only upsetting, but completely self-sabotaging. The more I think about something that I may have said wrong or things I didn’t do or ways that I acted which I am not proud of, or if I try too hard and invest too much energy into figuring out why someone else feels the way they do, the more I lose my own center. And then I hinge upon co-dependency, not to mention that I begin slowing down and wasting fuel.
It often occurs that once I become comfortable with someone, feeling that I can trust them and once I like them and feel that they like me, I will tend to speak up more often, and sometimes I don’t stay within the wonderful ways of “healthy” communication that I’ve learned. Instead of always looking through the eyes of love or practicing patience, I may step away from the always-developing spiritual side of me that I’ve worked so hard on, and go back to the “easy” way, or as I tend to say, the “old” me. This is when things slip out without me even thinking about the consequences or the way it may offend or hurt another. I know that when this happens, it is a part of me, and I must accept that. I am not perfect. I am not always going to do or say things the way I mean to or strive to. Sometimes I falter, and when this happens, it is very easy for me to get caught up in feeling awful and letting that steer me right into the ditch. I let it control my life, holding regret, wanting to resolve the issue immediately, to justify my actions, explain myself and have people understand why, so that they can say “It’s okay,” and I don’t have to feel so bad. In truth, I must not only take responsibility for it, but use it for my own continued learning and awareness.
Now, at the time that it’s happening, that is the last thing I want to do. I’d rather run to old habits, like writing that person off or getting even more of an attitude…it’s only human nature. But then my true inner essence comes back, reminding me that we are all human, and I feel bad, sad and remorseful enough to realize that I need to make some changes, stay more aware. It’s up to me to see why I’m acting like this, to ask myself where it came from, what triggered it, and what do I need to do at this point. I can’t continue to look back, but in order to move forward, I must first forgive myself, even if the other has not. This is huge. To know that all parts of me are not “warm and fuzzy” is to admit that I’m human. To really take in what has happened is not for me to make sure I “resolve” this thing with the other (though that is a goal), but to make inner peace again with myself. To hug that wounded, angry and hurt little girl inside of me that said or did something, and tell her, “Okay, this is why you did it. And in the process, here’s what happened. Now, let’s work with this.” It’s my opinion that this keeps me real, and that by sharing things like this with people such as yourself, it allows us to connect more.
Of course I strive to be the best person I can be, but sometimes I just lose that consciousness, or I ignore it, because that’s easier and safer at the time. In the end, I always come back to it, having to revisit the “ugly” parts of myself that I’d rather not look at. This doesn’t mean that I let myself off the hook and say “Well it’s their problem, then, and I don’t need to explain or apologize..” yadda yadda yadda. It doesn’t mean that I take the wheel back and never let anyone else be part of my journey again, though sometimes that is just the way I feel. That in itself is part of the challenge: showing all parts of myself and being okay with it. Every one of us has parts of ourselves that we’d rather not show, but sometimes we do show them. And when we do, we must accept that this is an opportunity.
When I go inward, letting go of all judgement of myself and of others, letting go of any worry, and really thinking about it, I can usually tell (maybe not immediately) what led me there, and recognize patterns. Sometimes I see parts of my father in my own actions, the parts I swore I’d never be like, or maybe a glimpse of the girl I was 10 years ago, angry and confused, before I had any of the knowledge that I have today, lashing out because she feels unloved and misunderstood. While these may be the facts, they’re not a justification. However, this entire process, and really allowing myself to go through this process, is what enables me to understand where this is coming from. I can then say, “Oh, that was a coping mechanism that I learned, and I applied it. Oops! I know better than that!” Or I can recognize, “Gee, I’ve gotten really comfortable with this person. They really ‘get’ me, so I am free now to keep let my guard down,” and then I end up saying and doing things I otherwise wouldn’t, just because I’ve changed that comfort level and put my consciousness on cruise control. It’s hurtful and hard to hear someone that you care about reflect to you ways that you have hurt or offended them. They may reject you altogether.
When this happens, I know that I resort to some of my old habits, and I completely lose sense of my inner self, my true self, which really yearns to be empathetic and peaceful, connected in love with others. I automatically begin to beat myself up over what I did wrong, looking at myself as a terrible person and wondering how I will ever go on. It takes a lot of courage to hold myself and say, “It’s okay.” I let myself know that perhaps I did do something I am not proud of, or something that cost me someone or something, but that if I keep beating myself up, I’m never really getting the message. The message is awareness. Always going back to a sense of self-forgiveness and knowing that I have to get back into that car, keep on driving, and keep my eyes on the road.
I find that I often compare myself to others, and am prone to jealousy. I could get into the whole “why” with you on this, but maybe that’s another blog. The point I’d like to make is that sometimes I compare myself so much to others that I end up with resentment or self-loathing, neither of which is a positive feeling. And I say this to you to show you that I’m human. Just because I’m a spiritual-seeking person doesn’t mean I’m always going to act like one. Ego is a huge part of what can get into the way, and often does for me. It’s a battle, one that I continue to endure. And when I compare, I judge myself and others. I see someone living their dream and wonder why I haven’t been able to live mine. I dwell on this. I begin to give up. Or I give too much power again to someone else, completely dismissing all the work that I have done to make myself who I am and get where I am today. It’s as though I drive backwards for a while, unable to switch gears.
I usually then attach “the Big E,” expectation. I start to put unrealistic expectations on myself and others, stemming from anger and fear. That’s what’s really going on deep down. I’m looking at someone else, thinking “I want that. It’s not fair that I don’t have it. How’d they get it? How come I’ve worked so hard and not gotten it?” Or I may resent them for not understanding my pain and suffering, for not “getting” where I am or why I am feeling the way I am. It could be something as simple as “they have a nicer car than me” or something as large as “they are blessed with more friends than me,” or “they got their career started, why can’t I?” I begin to think something is wrong with me. I give that power away again, letting my path be steered by others, even though they, nor I may not even be aware of it. I get so caught up in what I don’t have, or what I haven’t done that I forget the purpose of where I am, and what I have done. I tend to find it easier to isolate myself and tell myself that I am not worthy of anything than to make an effort on my own behalf. In doing so, I miss out on connecting with others if I shut down too much. Instead of supporting and encouraging myself to continue along, I then dwell on these other thoughts which keep me from getting further along on my own journey.
Once I pause for a moment and pull over to the side of the road to take a good look at things, I can reconnect and once again become aware. I can look at the expectations that I have and see why I may have them. I can understand, then, why I a may have such anger or jealousy toward someone, or why I may lash out or withdraw. Usually it’s because I want something that they have, and I feel I deserve it just as much. Or perhaps I feel they have wronged me in some way, and I expect them to make the effort to resolve it. In these moments it is very difficult to remember my own path and where I was headed in the first place. But once I can step out of the place of being connected only to the external, I can go back to the internal, where expectation can be let go, forgiveness can heal and self-acceptance can return. I can’t leave my car parked on the side of the road forever. Someone, at some point, is going to come along and ask me to move it.
When I feel that others are in the driver’s seat, I am no longer steering my own path. I am letting it be navigated for me, even though the other person may not even realize that I’m letting them do the driving (which often results in misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, anger, resentment and disconnection). Whether it is other people’s opinions, thoughts, reactions or lack of, I can easily let that deter me. I let all the external things take control, when indeed, it’s always, as we know, the internal that tells us the truth and keeps us aligned. Once you have hit that place where you can no longer even see yourself, you know it’s time to put the right ones back on and take a good look.
If you see rain clouds ahead, you can either say “Well the day is ruined. I’m not going any further. I knew this wouldn’t work” and chuck everything out the window. Or you can say, “Well I have no idea what may happen if I hit a rainstorm or some dark clouds, but I certainly can’t stay in this spot for the rest of my life,” and continue to move forward. Sometimes we do get stuck, though, and we don’t know how to get our engine running again. It might not be fun to sit and think about how I’ve hurt someone, or how dark my life suddenly feels, when just yesterday it was full of sunshine and great things. I may get angry. I may cry, and I may have to admit things to myself that I’d prefer not. But in the long run, it’s worth it- for me, and for those around me. I will gain more respect for myself and from others if I am honest and willing to look within myself first. I will also stop wasting fuel.
When I find that I am letting any of these get in the way of my journey and are keeping me off-track, one of the most important I must remember is that this is part of who I am. To ignore that would rob me of something great. I must realize and remember that every single experience and emotion leads me to a better knowing and understanding of myself. And through this process, once I can learn to love, accept and forgive myself, the more I am able to do it with others, which is what I set out to do in the first place.
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