Passengers and Companions on the Journey

Throughout my journey, I find that I must remain aware of who it is that I let into my vehicle and how long I let them stay as a passenger. It seems that I am always trying to drive forward, in search of new experiences and interesting people who are like-minded and more on my page. Yet when I find them, sometimes I am afraid to let them in. That would mean allowing them into my personal space, which is quite a risk, since once they are in, they will be able to see the inside of my car, a part of me, and there’s no going back. So I sometimes roll down my window and take a peak, and they offer to join me on the ride, but I keep driving, leaving them there in the pre-judgement that I have made. So, why is it that I manifest people who are ready to take a ride with me, and I am not willing to take it with them?

This conjures up all sorts of pent up fears I’ve harbored, and my mother and father’s voices, like a Greek chorus, echo in my head. “Don’t talk to strangers.” “Only trust people you know.” “Don’t drive into unfamiliar territory.” “That’s dangerous.” “Be careful” “stay on task…” in other words, be skeptical, assume the worst, and stick with what you know. Now how far would that get me in life? It’s as though my parents are in the backseat the entire time, steering me in the direction they’d like me to take.

Or perhaps I let them into the vehicle, but then I sit in silence, not speaking to them or looking at them, for fear that they may not like my driving style or the direction I’m headed. They may suggest taking a different route or even offer to drive. This is both risky and exciting to me. It’s an opportunity if I want it to be, but in order to see what happens, I have to have some trust, and be willing to let go of doubt or judgement. Then I ask myself why I let them in in the first place!

If I feel the need for a jolt, for something new and exciting, like a fun night out, I will most likely head into that district that I know oh so well, where I am guaranteed to find my party girls and can “let my hair down” for a night. Other times, I circle back through my parents’ old neighborhood, where I grew up, disappointed, but not surprised to find that not much has changed at all, and that they basically will only stay in my vehicle as long as I stay in their vacinity. And all the while they bitch about my driving!

Then there are those passengers that distract me from the road I’m on, rather than make for an enjoyable companion along the way. Sometimes I end up coming back to the same intersections, and see the same people waiting to get in. Usually it’s me who rolls down the window, with the causal intent on “just seeing how they are doing.” Before I know it, they’re getting cold or wet from standing outside, or we’re holding up traffic, and so I just let them in, and there begins the same old saga revisited.

Do I subconsciously drive to these places knowing that I will find these people? Practically depending on finding them? Knowing that for whatever reason, I am wanting them back in my life? Is it a comfort thing? Perhaps I don’t know where the road ahead is leading me, so I freak out a bit and drive backward into familiar territory. I feel it will be safer if I bring someone with me, someone I already know. For a time, they prove to be just what I need: an understanding companion who already knows the inside of my car, and I can skip all the formalities as we head onto the journey. They “get” me. But not far along the way, something begins to feel awry, and I start to get a sick feeling in my stomach. They don’t really want to move ahead, at least not in the direction I’m going. We begin to fight over which station to listen to, and they begin to smoke and I don’t like the smell, or I want the sunroof open and they don’t. I end up at a crossroads, eventually letting them back out. Usually it’s somewhere you’d least expect, and it feels so final. If I let them out entirely, then it’s goodbye all over again, and I grieve. But if I keep them in, they only hold me back. I know they mean well, but they need to get back to their own vehicle, so that they can drive in their own direction and stop distracting me from mine. The sad part is, part of me is willing to overlook this just to have someone along…but the stronger, louder part of me screams “no way! Get them out of here!”

It’s at these moments that I cry my eyes out. I never want to let anyone go, yet sometimes I get so angry I throw them right back out into the rain and speed off in search of a car wash. It seems that I try each time to explain to them where I’m headed and invite them to go with me, and each time, just as the last, although they try to be supportive, they just can’t go there. For whatever reason, this is hard for me to take. And so I end up alone again, back on the road, glancing in my rearview…but they’ve disappeared.

As I continue on my way, tears blurring my vision for a while, I have time once again to reflect on why….sometimes it’s just easier to head back to those parts of town that you know like the back of your hand, where you know what you can expect. Even if just for a little while, you have a companion on that road that gets so lonely.

Of course, there are always those passengers who CHOOSE to get out, when I don’t feel that they’ve stayed long enough for the ride.

For what duration, and what reasons, do you pick up passengers? Do you have certain people that are always with you on certain parts of your journey? Or others that just show up out of nowhere? Do you seek out passengers or do they find you? Do you have criteria for who you let in? How has that worked for you? Do you keep your doors locked or open? Do you use your peripheral vision to see what’s going on around you, or are you so focused on the path ahead that you are blind to what is happening in the present?