A Perfect Day in Pasadena

Yesterday, after a long morning of applying to jobs, I decided to shoot over to Pasadena. It's only about a 40-minute drive from Long Beach, and I was eager to explore another new area. I intended on seeing Old Town Pasadena, but I have to admit, I was more excited about scoping out two filming locations from the iconic '90s series, "Beverly Hills, 90210." :)

As I cruised up the street with the address I had googled, I wasn't finding it. Though all the houses looked similar, I knew I'd recognize the Walsh home immediately, and I wasn't seeing it. I saw a lady outside watering her plants, and I stopped to ask if I was in the right place. I told her that I wasn't seeing the address, and said, "is the address East or South?" Ahhh, and then it made sense. "Keep heading up and around, and eventually it'll turn into East."

And so I did. And oh, my God, there it was!!!! The famous driveway, home of Brandon and Brenda Walsh! (Minus Dylan's classic Porsche, of course). It was extremely surreal. Just a normal street with local people, doing their thing. As I parked the car and went to snap a picture, a guy was out walking his dog. I approached him and asked if he'd be kind enough to get a picture of me in front of the famous home. "Do you know what's special about this house?" I asked him. "No..." "Well, it's the Walsh house from the show "Beverly Hills, 90210." "Oh! I knew it was around here somewhere," he said.

He happily snapped a picture and, as with most people out here, began a conversation. I had mentioned that I was here from Wisconsin and looking for a job. "What type of job are you looking for?" he asked, as they all do. "Well, number one, I'm a writer. I'd love to score a great writing gig, or just get into a great company doing ANYthing." "Well, have you contacted the studios? My wife works over at Warner Brothers. She's just in the finance department, but maybe she could steer you in the right direction." "Awesome!" I said. I gave him my information and went on my way. Such a positive vibe here. Love it.

I asked him which way to Old Pasadena and it wasn't far at all, so I headed there and cruised down Colorado Boulevard for a while. I passed Dylan's house along the way, just half a block down from Brandon & Brenda's. Old Town Pasadena is cute and full of great shops and restaurants. I attempted to find the old Peach Pit, but, as confirmed by my google searches, it's pretty much no longer recognizable. It used to be a Ruby's Diner, then was taken over and remodeled, and now it's vacant. Sad story.

My next stop was Main Street, Santa Monica, to job hunt some more, but I had to go past the Walsh house one more time. I remembered this blog I had read by another girl who'd visited it, and she'd actually met the owner and gone inside the house. I asked my pendulum if I should attempt to do the same. Three times it said yes. "Okay, what have I got to lose?" I said to myself as I parked the car.

As fate would have it, there was a guy putzing around in the backyard, and I said, "Excuse me, do you live here?" "Yes," he said, with a smile. "Is this...is this the famous Walsh house?" He put his towel down and walked toward me. "Why, yes it is." He smiled again. "Wow, this is a really nice guy," I thought! "Well, I'm here from Wisconsin and just had to see it, and I read online about a girl who stopped in to talk with you, so I thought I'd give it a shot." "Yes, I know the girl you are talking about," he said.

Before I knew it, we were talking about his relatives in Wisconsin and what he's up to nowadays and how he actually had fraternal twins who grew up in the house, just like Brandon and Brenda. He took me inside and gave me a tour, and we discussed many topics. We stepped back outside and he showed me where the basketball hoop had been that Brandon and his dad (and Dylan and Steve) used to play in the driveway, and then he proceeded to share a few behind-the-scenes stories about the actors with me.

Jack, as he went by, was a super sweet guy who said he has people stopping by every day. He was okay with it, didn't want to move, and doesn't regret any of it. Although he had to do some cleaning up whenever they were done with a shoot (cigarette butts, etc.) he said, "hey, I was getting paid for it and it was a great experience." He remembers having a beer with Jason and Luke in their first year, and getting to know all the kids. I filled him in on where their careers are today, told him why I'm here and he gave me some advice, smiled for a photo for my scrapbook and carried on about his business.

Star-Studded Sunday!

This past Sunday, I headed over to Torrence, to visit the High School, which was the home of the fictional 90210's "West Beverly High" and also Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Sunnydale High. Not far from Long Beach where I'm staying, I got off the freeway and headed through what seemed just like a normal, working-class town. Strip malls, gas stations, restaurants, no big deal. And then suddenly..BOOM! The iconic building is staring me in the face! It's hard to miss, as it sits facing a triangular intersection.

As I ascended the front steps, I had to wonder how many famous feet had also done the same. It was so surreal and intoxicating. I snapped some photos, wandered around saw all I could, despite the gated entrances.

Satisfied, I headed onto Stop 2, which was Inglewood. I had heard to be careful, as "Inglewood isn't the ghetto, but it's not the safest area to be in." I wasn't worried. You see, I was headed to see Della Reese give a service at her church. Well, not HER church, but that's how I think of it. She calls it "Understanding Principles for Better Living," which appealed to me. Between you and me, I'm not a church-going kind of gal, but I AM spiritual, and I trusted that Della would deliver a beautiful sermon.

Ever since I can remember, I've loved Della. Her TV show, Touched by an Angel, as well as her many movies on Lifetime and Hallmark, have always held such positive energy for me. She was, in my mind, the wise Grandma who could guide you through anything and shower you with real love. Her deep, soulful voice was always comforting, and her spirit just seemed to say, "I've been through a lot, and I am strong for it. I choose to use that to help others, and I am full of tenderness."

Getting to Inglewood did require me to take a short jaunt on the infamous Crenshaw Blvd, but I felt totally fine, and got to the church just in time. I immediately received warm welcomes and took a seat near the middle of the church. I could see Della sitting up front, and rather than feel starstruck, I felt at home.

Soon we were instructed to hug our neighbors, and I received many warm embraces. All the regulars had noticed my entrance, despite my attempt to be discreet, and they were glad to have me there. After the Reverend spoke, he asked that one of the ushers take the microphone around and that all the "new guests" introduce themselves. "Just tell us your name and what brought you here." Oh boy. My hands got a bit clammy and my heartbeat accelerated a bit. I tried to prepare, but by the time it was my turn, all I could get out was, "Hi, my name's Jodie. I'm here from Milwaukee, WI, and I'm a big fan of Della." I got many smiles and nods in reponse, which made me feel good.

I settled in for what was a great service, full of positive energy and the melodies of a great gospel choir. Then came Della's turn to speak. It was hard for her to get up out of her seat, but she used her cane and gracefully moved to the center of the stage. She was wearing a turquoise outfit with pink and silver sparkly accents, and makeup to match. A magenta shawl covered her shoulders.

Rev. Della Reese's soulful voice filled the church and delivered a most inspirational message. In my head, I imagined her saying, "Jodie, my child," as she made her points. While she was talking, an usher named Michelle approached me and said, "Della would love to meet you after the service. We're all so very glad you're here, and you've come so far!" I couldn't have chosen a better place to be that day, and the message hit home for where I am in my life. Della spoke in a language that I understood and was able to apply to my life, and I felt like I had a great new support system.

Things were going just as I'd envisioned, and I was excited to participate in the Burning Bowl Ceremony taking place after the service. On a tiny slip of paper, I'd written down my intentions for 2012 as well as those things which no longer served me and that I wanted to release. I, along with the others, took my piece of paper outside, placed it into the burning bowl, and watched it burn.

Then came the big moment. Michelle took me over to Della and introduced me. She was this bold, beautiful black goddess standing right in front of me. She couldn't make direct eye contact, as her eyesight had failed a bit after she had brain surgery, I'd learned. She'd also lost a daugher, which I was unaware of. And so this 80-year old goddess stood and spoke with me, assuring me that she, along with the others at UP would make sure that my dream of find a job and moving here would come true, even if just through prayer and nothing else.

"Isn't her energy just so bright?" Michelle said to Della about me. "We'd be so honored to have you come back and be a part of our community," Michelle said. I assured her that if I stayed, I would definitely be back. It was wonderful being able to tell Della up close and personal how much I love her and her energy, and how impactful her service had been for me. I asked her if I could get a photo with her, and she gladly obliged. I leaned into her as she rested on her cane, and in that moment, I truly was touched by an angel.

I was glowing the rest of the day, and concluded with a Meetup at a cute Jazz Cafe in Culver City. The singer, Jay Jackson, is a local news reporter and can also be seen in shows such as Parks and Recreation and the Mentalist. His baritone voice created a smooth ambirance, and his wife, Karen, who organized the meetup, was super sweet. I met some more great people who were full of support, advice and encouragement. One man, Robert, who'd moved here not long ago from Detroit and was trying to make it as a filmmaker, told me I could work at LAX like he does, but then thought better of it, telling me "you're too pretty to lift heavy luggage every day."

Another man at our table, Byron, owned his own limousine service. Growing up, his best friend's dad had owned his own limo company and drove the Jacksons around. From that moment on, Byron had made it his dream goal to own his own company some day. And now he does, and he's driven Jermaine around.

As I drove "home" that night, I felt confident that the Universe was conspiring to make all my dreams come true.

What Happens in Venice Should Probably Stay in Venice

Leave it to Venice to get the momentum going on this journey...

A friend and I drove down to Ocean Avenue last night, looking for the Jim Morrison building. After standing on her passenger seat for about ten minutes, posing against the bare chested backdrop, we decided to stop at a place called Harry's and grab a drink. Well, technically she wanted a drink. I was trying very hard to stick to my budget and my diet.

After landing a rockstar parking space, we entered just as the sun was setting against the horizon.It was particularly beautiful last night - even the locals were commenting. The palm trees stood proudly and softly in perfect formation, showing off the orangy-pink, purply-blue sky behind them. Up the street, the infamous Venice stringed light sign sparkled like Christmas. As street vendors carried their wares off the boardwalk and skateboarders headed to their hangouts, the robust ripeness of another Venice evening filled the air, intoxicating my senses.

One step from the car to the curb, and one more into Harry's. The beachy ambiance was enhanced with a cozy fireplace and candlelit tables. Over the speakers, you could hear songs like The Smashing Pumpkins "1979," "Ziggy Stardust " by David Bowie and Duran Duran's "Come Undone." As my friend drank a glass of wine, I interrogated the couple next to us about Venice and its surrounding areas, in terms of work, apartment living and socializing. The two women shared their opinions with me and offered some helpful websites. The shy blonde with glasses and tattoos, originally from Alaska, works in the television industry, freelancing as something or other, and claims that a place downtown, such as the studio in which she lives, would be most convenient for getting around to all the places I would like to go. Meanwhile, the other woman, born and raised here in LA, lives in nearby Palms and, unlike the blonde who offered much encouragement, simply said, "work hard, and work harder."

My friend and I thought Harry's may be a good place for me to apply as a waitress, so I asked him about it. "Well, we just opened in August and we keep getting busier..and it's only January, so I would do it! Bring in a resume." He continued, "You should also check out some places up on Abbott Kinney," he added, giving us a few hints. We decided to check out one of these places (J Gelina's) and see what they offered for food.

J Gelina's was busting at the seams when we arrived just after 6:30 pm, and my friend had some miscommunication with the hostess, so she thought we could just grab a seat by the bar. We were then informed we would have to wait an hour and a half to be seated, whether we chose a community table or private table. Starving, I said we needed to move on. My friend, obviously offended by the hostess's firm tone, was eager to leave. I, on the other hand, was excited to come back. Community dining?? What a GRAET way to meet new people! I love eating and chatting! Its dimly lit room offered a comforting ambiance and the food smelled great.

So, we meandered down the street, looking for the next thing to catch our eye. We ended up at Hal's Bar and Grille. As my friend prefers to do, she grabbed us two seats at the bar and settled in with another glass of wine while I stuck to my water and begged that we leave soon, so I could go home and shower. I didn't have anymore networking left in me for the day, and I would come back another day. Instead, she insisted I strike up conversation with the locals.

So, with no make-up and some dreadful hair, I approached the bartender with a question. As bartenders do, he responded above and beyond the call of duty. Not only did he lend a genuinely interested ear to find out what I was looking for, where I'd traveled and what places in the world I'd loved best, but he also shared some of his own bio with me. Seems the acting bug bit him a long time ago and took him to NYC, where he lived for a while, and then ended up all over, eventually landing in Venice Beach, where he happily now resides. The ice had successfully been broken, and we began to talk about travel, lifestyles, people, acting, writing, being an artist and what it's like to live and work in Venice.

Before I knew it, he was telling me that he thought I'd fall in love with San Francisco, which is funny, because in the last couple of years, countless people have also said this to me, and because of that, I am actually driving up there in a few weeks to check it out. Well, upon learning this news, Dennis, the neighborhood' s favorite bartender, told me he'd hook me up with a friend up near Berekely. His friend, as he described her to me, sounded so muc like me, that I was immediately intrigued. He shared with me the intersting way in which their friendship had formed, right there at Hal's, and promised me he would contact her for me. For all he knew, she may even have a place to rent to me!

By now, other locals had meandered in and I could sense a feeling of famliarity among them. They greeted Dennis by name, and he them, and then nodded or waved and said hello to their acquaintances throughout. Hal's isn't a huge place, but it's not cramped and crowded, either. It's clean, lit just right and had a live jazz band playing in the front. Couples and friends dined in the table area while others clung to the bar area for their usuals. Between me, my friend, the bartender and some of the locals, I was able to meet a myriad of awesome people, including a local artist and gallery owner who took the time to offer me some advice and honest wisdom.

Steven, a broad-shouldered British lad that you wouldn't want to mess with, was very tender in sharing his own life story with me and giving me the truth on the ways of Venice and the artists within. His sincerity, as with Dennis, was very encouraging. "This place is like Cheers, the TV show," he said with a chuckle at one point. "You know what's funny about that," I said..."is that when I was a kid, I used to watch that show and tell my parents, 'Some day I'M gonna find a place JUST LIKE CHEERS and everyone will know my name and welcome me!' (True story - my parents still tell it). Well, Steven was right- it WAS like Cheers; i had found a new home away from home, and the evening only got more interesting from that point on. At one point, there was a woman, who appeared to me to be local, finishing up her drink and salad just a few stools over. She had long, curly blonde hair, appeared to be in her sixties or so, and wore the "i've done it all, seen it all, been it all" face very well - with glitter to boot. "So, how long have you lived here?" I asked her. "Me? Where, here? In Venice? Honey...I live in COMPTON," she said as she firmly placed her empty glass down on the counter in front of her. Another local and new friend who is originally from Jamaica and is a personal trainer, had been answering my questions about the safety of Venice Beach and, upon hearing this woman's comment, let out a big "Yeah! A gorgeous white woman living in Compton! Love it!" We all chuckled and she gave him a look that said, "Yep, you know it, brother." I felt the love, and was glad to be invited into this diverse, close-knit cricle of creatives.

We were just about to leave when I was introduced by the local artist/gallery owner to another well-known local face named Noah, who, incidentally, said he could be found "slinging coffee" on almost any given day at the coffee shop down the street called Abbott's Habit. I told him I'd planned on stopping in there anyway, and would look for him when I did.

As my friend and I walked to our car and toward the beach, I could smell the pot in the air and see figures standing on porches, talking and laughing. One young man was singing along to Dave Matthews' "Satellite" as the waves crashed in the background. Ahh, Venice. I belong here. And now, everybody knows my name.

A few more things happened before we left, but I think that some things that happen in Venice...should probably just stay in Venice. :)

Oh, Hi!

On Saturday, a friend and I took a day trip up to Ojai. It was a gorgeous day, to start; not too hot, which has been rare in SoCal since I've been here. It was nice to let someone else do the driving for a change, and just sit back and enjoy the ride. The valley highways seem so much more quiet than what i'm used to in the LA area. It was a peaceful respite from the hustle and bustle of the city, and the route seemed so simple and uncomplicated.

As we neared the city limit and Highway 33 became Ojai Avenue, the energy seemed to change. The tree-lined streets became cleaner, quainter and more personal. My friend, an avid rollerblader, was busy admiring the ongoing trail, supersmooth, level and wide, running parallel to the trees. It was as if we'd entered another world.

Nestled in the mountains, Ojai sits peacefully and perfectly. Ojai Avenue is the Main Street, and you can pretty much see the entire town in a minute. Spanish architecture features beautful archways along the sidewalk, where you can find plenty of art galleries, boutiques and novelty shops. The locals are friendly, laid-back and content with their low-key lifestyle. The air has a calmness to it, similar to the Pacific Northwest or Sedona, with a touch of Old Town Albuquerque.

After stolling along and stopping to enjoy fabulous treats at Ojai Coffee Roasters, my friend and I decided to hop on the trolley and get a free tour of the outskirts. For 50 cents, we got a 45-minute ride around the side streets, taking in picturesque, scenic sights that Ojai is known for. One of the passengers, an older woman, was saying, "Charles, sing me a song!" to the driver, who then went into a whistling version of Auld Lang Syne. "You know, my great great great uncle was the original singer of that song," she said. "Oh, yeah? Oh, that's great," Charles replied. "Sing me another song!" she said. And so he did, and on they went, talking about eras past. Charles played into her fantasies, making an old lady happy. It seemed she rode the trolley every day, and she and Charles had a routine.

Eventually, she got off at her house (I think Charlie would drop anyone off, anywhere in Ojai), and as she said her goodbyes, standing there in her long red coat, purple tights and black boots, she adjusted her glasses, tightened the bun in her hair, and gave a final farewell to those of us staying on.

Just as soon as she'd exited, an eccentric old man entered. He wore a plaid jacket, bright green hat with a feather, and a bag criss-crossed over one shoulder. He walked in his fancy leather shoes, relying heavily on his decorated cane. He had an air about him that said, "Sweetie, I've been around. I've seen it all, done it all, and I'm still here to tell about it."

Eventually we exited the trolley and headed back to our car. The sun was setting against the mountains, and the moon had risen in the sky. It was magical to see the red-orange of the mountains against the clear blue backdrop with a bright, shining light on top. We snapped a photo and, satisfied with our day, got back on the road.

I look forward to going back to Ojai for a spa weekend, and forgetting about the rest of the world. The locals welcomed me with open arms and the energy is so inviting that you can't help but wish to at least pretend that you can live in such an idyllic world, even if just for a bit.

Oh, Ojai, I will be back...

Milwaukee Hits a High Note with Annie B. & the Vagabond Company

written for ArtMilwaukee by Jodie Niles
www.journeyswithjodie.com


Performing for ArtMilwaukee’s “Arabian Night” after party on Thursday, June 2^nd is Milwaukee native singer/songwriter Annie B. with her band, The Vagabond Company. The band features Annie B. on Lead Vocals, Dave Johnson on Drums, “Hollywood Fred” on Bass and Cam DeWinter on Lead Guitar. Though Annie’s been around for a while, the band didn’t officially have their first gig together until February of this year, and it didn’t take long for them to find their groove… in Milwaukee and beyond.  Not only will they be playing at Summerfest this year (Sunday, July 10^th on the big Briggs & Stratton stage!), but they will also be opening for the BlackCAPS  in Madison next week  Friday (June 10^th) and heading out to Chicago and Lake Geneva this summer, with a CD Launch Party not long after at Shank Hall!

[Full schedule available at: www.anniebmusic.com].

Getting  Annie B. to sit still for more than a minute is certainly a challenge, as I’ve come to learn, working as her personal booking assistant these last few months.  That’s only because the big energy in her little body never seems to stop.  Whether she’s connecting on the phone, checking email and updating her Facebook page, organizing a community event, planning her performance schedule, practicing with her band or getting ready for an interview, Annie is always giving the most she can, and with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.

Sitting at the kitchen table of her home on a typical morning, she and I, along with two other helpers, enjoy what Annie’s boyfriend has endearingly come to call “The View.” The four of us gather around, laptops open and ear pieces on (well, me anyway), ready to get down to business….and sometimes, yes, that does include monkey business. Between the calls and research we also work up a lot of laughs between us.

Annie’s been a great influence on me because, as an artist, I know how it feels to want to just “do your thing” and not deal with the “business stuff.” But Annie’s self-respect and confidence compel her to make things happen, and her “go get it and have fun doing it” spirit is contagious.  Her natural friendliness and ability to connect with others draws people and opportunities to her, and she’s willing to put the time and effort into it because she believes in herself and takes what she does seriously. And yet....

Easily distracted, on this particular day, the day I’ve FORCED her to answer my interview questions, she scurries about doing anything she can to avoid having to sit and focus on me and my questions. After all, there are dishes to wash, a refrigerator to clean a cat that needs some TLC.  Not to mention the phone calls, emails and press kits that need to be done….but I digress.

“Hey, Annie, let’s do this,” I say.

“Yeah, I’m comin’. I just have to put on another pot of coffee. Remind me to call so and so back. And can you add this venue to the database? Oh, and don’t let me forget to stop by that other place and drop off a CD. Did we ever hear back from so and so?”

“It’s all under control,” I say. “Let’s do this.”

“Okay, just hold on a sec. Let me just run to the bathroom really fast!”

I give her the eye, because she knows that I know that she is reluctant to sit down for a few minutes, for fear she’ll forget something drastically important to do. After a few more minutes of coffee making, message checking and idea throwing, she thinks of something else that she wants me to do, and I have to stop her and remind her that she needs to go to the bathroom.

“Oh yeah! Okay, just one more minute,” she says, and we all laugh

Still walking about, she eventually shuffles back over to the table, sits down and forces herself not to look at her computer screen or put her hands near her keyboard as I begin the interview. She is excited to share, and takes her time answering each question. As always, she’s thinking of her audience and giving them the most she can…even if it does mean saving the refrigerator cleaning for later. And so we begin:

Q: When did you know you wanted to be a singer?

A: “Well,” she says with a smile…”I wanted to be a movie star when I was 4. I used to sing Beatles songs in harmony with my little sister …but I really decided when I was in graduate school in Reno and learned how to play guitar. I was really depressed during the first year of my PhD program in Clinical Psych.  I had come home for the summer and learned how to play guitar.  I actually started studying voice at The Wisconsin Conservatory of Music back in undergrad at Marquette…but didn’t seriously pursue it… it was more of an exploratory thing…I just was drawn to it. I feel super lucky to stay that I got to study with a blues/jazz singer out of the Chicago area who is now signed to Blue Note Records...Jackie Allen.”

“So, you didn’t know in high school?”

“Oh, in high school?  I was mostly stealing booze out of my dad’s liquor cabinet…not really ready to be serious about life or my career… I was out chasing boys,” she adds with a giggle.

“I went back to school that fall (in Reno), still uncertain, and began playing open mic’s…that’s when I knew I needed to be playing music. It was the first time I had ever performed in front of an audience and I was getting a good response from my music…from songs that I had written…songs I started writing that summer when I learned the guitar…and I had this epiphany…I felt like I finally had purpose and direction in my life.”

Q: Who were your biggest influences?

 A: The Beatles

Q: Tell me about your travels and the places you went on the road. What was your best experience on the road?

A: ”I was doing solo acoustic in 1993….then I put my first band together in 1994 in Reno…moved to Seattle…did well for short time…and then the drummer and I broke up, so therefore the band broke up…the band moved back to Reno and I went to LA with no friends and family there. I had always wanted to move to NY or LA. I stayed at a youth hostel for a about a week…I had some savings and rented a one-room apartment off of Hollywood Blvd. for $450/month for a couple years. So I was right in the middle of Hollywood waiting table at the Wolfgang puck café on Universal Citywalk. Then I landed a job working for radio promo company in 2001, and that’s where I learned how to get radio airplay and how the radio business works. I put another new band together called Breather, and then later I created Shut up Marie (SUM), and booked our very first gig at The Coconut Teaser on Sunset Boulevard!”

Ever since deciding on music and quitting grad school in 93/94, Annie started researching the music business.

“I bought books, went to songwriting workshops, seminars, like the South by southwest conference and just began immersing myself. I felt confident about getting gigs when I got to LA because I’d made headway in Seattle quickly when I was there.”

“Then I got fired from my job and I kept plugging away with SUM. I got an opportunity to work with a catering company for The Vans Warped Tour. It was a GREAT chance to get to know all the right people …except I got fired on day 4,” she says with a nostalgic smile.

“We were actually in Milwaukee when they told me to go home. I didn’t want to go crawling back to LA after losing that gig, so instead, since I was able to go on UE, I decided to learn how to make a living playing music. I started living out of my car. I quit my other part-time jobs, put my stuff in storage and hit the road.”

I first ended up in Colorado Springs and it was horrible. I had no idea what I was getting into. The first gig there were no guests. Just a couple tables at a bar/restaurant. I moved on to Des Moines, Topeka, Milwaukee, Madison, Louisville and various cities throughout Illinois, Missouri and Oklahoma. I learned about the MKE/OK/TX route and did that quite a bit. I did very well in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas. So, I moved to Austin July 2007. Then I came back home for Christmas and never left. My parents weren’t well, and so I helped care for them. By January, I knew I’d be staying for good.

Q: Why do you choose to stay in Milwaukee?

 A: “It’s a great place for a musician. Wisconsin and Illinois have lots of work to be had. Plus, my family is here, and the Midwest is a great place for music.”

Q: Where do you get inspiration for your music?

 A: “It’s random. My last song, “Coffee Beans,” was inspired by my 16-yr old niece, Aly Jayne, who’s also a singer/songwriter. The lyrics inspired by my boyfriend,” she tells me (while he peaks his head around in the corner at us and says, “what?!”)

“It Comes from relationships, “she continues. ‘Just my little observations about life’ based on experiences. Sometimes songs just come.  I sit down with the guitar and things start swirling in my brain and then I gotta start recording it with my voice recorder.

My personal favorite, “Cat Girl” is a song that popped into her head. Annie claims she didn’t even try….it just wrote itself. Its catchy lyrics, “I’m a cat girl. Don’t put me on a leash” speak for themselves.

Q: Where do you envision Annie B.?  & The Vagabond Company in five years?

A: “Hmm…in 5 years? Definitely well-known throughout Europe, the US, Japan and Australia” (for those of you who don’t know, she’s got a European tour planned for 2012).

”And in 10 years?” she says, without hesitation…”the same, but with more records and a couple Grammy’s (see “Blogging for a Grammy “on her website).

Q: What do you think is the best thing about Milwaukee’s music scene?

A: “Well that’s an interesting question, Jodie.”  (Abruptly leaves to go to the bathroom, now that she remembers she was supposed to go 30 minutes ago). Of course, I had to remind her.  Again. I am, after all, her PA- that’s “personal assistant,” or “pain in the ass” as we girls like to joke. It’s all part of our daily routine on “The View.”

“I think my favorite part of Milwaukee is the fact that we have a LOT of support for our independent music and local artists. I hope that it can be under appreciated by our artists here because they don’t know how tough it is in other cities, for instance LA. “

“Sure, support for local bands in LA,” says Annie, “but really not enough to allow artists to thrive, like there is for them to do here in Milwaukee. Milwaukee’s scene is amazing.

Speaking from firsthand experience in other cities, Annie thinks it is “tremendous that we have three radio stations that regularly play local music – that’s more than any other town I know of with a middle-sized town like we are. Plus, we have lot of venues that support independent and original music.

“I like it the way it is right now,” Annie shares with me, “because Milwaukee is one of the best kept secrets in the US when it comes to the music scene, and I’d just like to keep it that way. ‘Cuz once they all find out, they’ll flock here and there’ll be too many bands willing to play for free and the way our music works will change, and I don’t want that to happen. People think because a town is exploding that it is good for the economy, but not necessarily for the little indies.”

Q: What impact would you like your music to have on its community?

A: “Well, Jodie, I would have to first say… I think it’s inevitable that…umm..Ummm…that Annie B. (looks up and puts fingers against lips) & the Vagabond Company... will have a strong impact on the community. Not necessarily musically, but more as leaders on the music scene, trying to make things happen. This bleeds over into Milwaukee Art Beat and other causes…”

“I hope I’m setting an example here in Milwaukee about how important it is to work together, and with other community groups, because there’s such a huge overlap between music and the arts in Milwaukee. So, by putting on events that encompass both (like Annie does with Milwaukee Art Beat), you’re obviously reaching a bigger audience.”

“Collaboration is really important because two heads are always better than one. When you share resources, there’s a lot more that you can get done.”  But,” she tells me,”That’s not the end of it.”

“It’s also the fact that I’m not afraid to knock on doors and send out emails to people that I don’t know and who don’t know me and try to forge relationships that way, so that… (now begins the hair twisting, and I know the wheels are turning, and as she jumps up and scurries back into the kitchen she completes the thought)…”I can get myself out there and see how I can work with another organization or person, whether it’s a bar or Art Milwaukee.”  

Ultimately, Annie hopes that her influence as a leader is what people “get.”

Q: What message do you have for aspiring musicians?

A: “Never give up on your dreams. Never give up. Absolutely number one.”

“But there IS what I would call a formula,” she tells me, “that I would say I’ve been using to get where I want to be with my career - and that is that number one, you got to hone your skills. If you’re unhappy with your guitar playing, go get lessons. Before you do anything as a musical artist, be good at your skill. The next thing you need to do is learn about the music business. Spend a little time every day learning something, whether listening to a blog about the music business or reading an article (there are plenty out there) or a book. “

“There are SO many resources out there to learn about the industry and what to do to make it happen.  Next piece of advice is GET OUT THERE and perform as much as you can. There are some who do music from home, and that’s fine…and I’m not sure how to advise those types, but any others, those who want to be on stage, need to get out there and perform and start making friends with other bands, booking agents and apply what you’ve learned. Take it seriously. Create a plan that works for your genre, your schedule. AND give it time….every single artist that looks like an overnight success…it’s very unlikely.”

Q: What has been the hardest part of your career?

 A: “Frustration of wanting to be further along than where I am at. Having to start over a couple of times (moving to Seattle, then LA, then across Midwest and now in MKE)….takes you a few steps back from where you wanna be. Again, it takes time. Just because all your friends came out and saw you perform and thought you were awesome, that’s not gonna cut it.”

Q: What brings you the most joy?

A: “Seeing people really enjoying our music. Seeing people really gettin’ into it. Staring at the band, like they are rock stars or something. Selling CD’s, having people come up after a show, knowing they are appreciating it. Bringing joy to others through something that I love. “

Q: What’s your favorite thing to when you have the time?

A: “Get outta town. Day trips. Festivals. Exploring other parts of WI. I’ve traveled a lot in past, but there’s  too much going on in Milwaukee right now to take a longer trip at this time.”

Though she does have plans to travel with the band, first regionally, then nationally, then Europe. With gigs coming up in Chicago, Madison, Lake Geneva and more, her hope is that things start expanding soon.  

Her favorite place to visit? “The Grand Canyon. Period. God is there.”

Q: What’s your favorite original song, and why?

A: "Hey, Mama" which is a song recorded by my first band in Reno: Jaded. The thing I like about this song is that it's probably my very first "good song". It ended up on my first CD ever, and it might be the best song on that CD, although there are a few other worthy songs on there. It came to me in a dream... I thought to myself in the dream, "Hey, this is a pretty cool song... I'm gonna wake up and write this song!"

 I still like the song, but it’s the story behind it that means a lot to me. Being able to write a good song while sleeping/dreaming is significant to me... it's kind of like God saying, "Here's a freebie... now go out and write more, because that's what you're supposed to be doing with your life!"

Q:  Who is one of your favorite artists, and why?

A: “Lennon/McCartney. Just the best songwriters ever. Ever ever ever.  The Beatles are definitely my favorite band of all time… Just the evolution of the Beatles is so profound. They started as a cover band playing early ‘60s-influenced rock and moved onto some trippy and psychedelic stuff, which was a whole different place, and then evolved into a lot more sophisticated ROCK after that. They are just such a huge influence on the entire musical world. And their songs are just so awesome!

Unfortunately, I didn’t even know who they were ‘til Lennon got shot…and it was all over the news.  At that time (Dec 1980), my favorite was a song by John Lennon from Double Fantasy…I thought John Lennon was the shit, and I had no idea he was a Beatle. When he was shot, all of a sudden I read about the “ex-Beatle” and began listening to all their radio shows, and upon hearing all the special stuff when he was shot, so fell in love. 

One of the first songs I heard that was recorded live was “All My Loving.”  There were so many screaming girls in the audience…you just felt like you were there…just felt energy when you listened to the song…and I wished I was around when they were. The energy of that recording got me hooked. I fell in love with every single song they ever made after that.

Q: What do you want people to know/think of when they hear the music of Annie B.?

A: That I’m a powerful woman with something important to say. I have a great band that totally kicks ass and I want to empower women by being a good, loud, rockin’ chick! I want women and girls to come out and see the band and be energized.”

Q: How do you keep your upbeat positive attitude?

A: “ ‘Cuz I hang out with Jodie Niles as much as possible,” she says in her booming, soul-felt voice. I smile in gratitude, letting her know the feeling is mutual.

“If you can’t just enjoy every single moment of the day, you’re just missin’ out. Even moments and days that are a struggle, are beautiful. Because they need to happen, so that you can grow and become a better person, or wake up and smell the coffee about something (literally, too) or learn about yourself or someone else in your life, or mourn b/c someone close to you dies…just every single moment is part of who you are the next day Something to celebrate. (Annie sadly lost her dad to Alzheimer’s last year).”

“When there are moments not so great, those are also things to be thankful for. Without the low moments, we wouldn’t appreciate the high ones. And when someone just really pisses you off and they are just a jerk, those people are actually wonderful people to have in your life because they just make your life a little more interesting and rich. I just refer to them as ‘one of the great characters in my life,’ she says with an entertained smile. “Because they make my life a little more interesting for that moment…so rather than call them a name or resent them, I choose to be thankful for all these little enriching moments. And how boring would it be if everything was a bed of roses all the time and everyone was really nice?”

I have to tell you that being around Annie is a continued joyous experience, refreshing and entertaining. She juggles all of her career responsibilities with an ongoing sense of optimism and confidence, always with a smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her lose her temper, no matter how stressed out she may feel at times. Instead, her sweet-as-honey charm radiates from her as she “does her best in every moment.” Some days I see the giddy little girl that is Annie B., hurrying around the house to make sure everything is clean and we all have our coffee, only to turn around and reveal a large Scorpion tattoo on her shoulder blade and a provocative look of mystery when I ask her about it.  Mix little well-learned street smarts with amazing artistic talents and a passion for life, and you’ve got a harmonious blend of grooviness. And that’s the stuff that embodies a true rock star.

Q: Any words of wisdom you’d like to leave your readers with today?

A: “From the song “Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy”) from The Beatles Double Fantasy album released 1980 (less than a month before he was shot), John Lennon wrote: ‘life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.’”

“So that means to me, to cherish every single moment and don’t be so worried about your plans for tomorrow or even an hour from now or even a year from now…’live in the moment mentality.’ “

She makes sure to let me know that, although this phrase has been around for a long time, “it’s my right to claim it as a favorite because I knew it from back when…before it caught on!”

Self - Care Does NOT Equal Self-ish!

Self-Care Does Not Equal Selfish

Do you feel like it’s too exhausting to keep everyone around you happy? Feel like there isn’t enough time in a day as it is, and then experience guilt instead of joy when you opt out of other commitments to do something for yourself instead? Does worrying about letting others down end up bogging YOU down?

It’s alarming how we often worry so much about making choices in relation to the way it will affect others.  Isn’t it really ourselves that we should mostly be concerned about? Yet we waste so much precious time and energy dwelling on one instance or one person that didn’t pan out as we’d wanted or planned. Meanwhile, we miss out on doing something else in that moment which could be much more appropriate. Instead, we lament and complain and question and dissect and analyze. I’ve noticed that there are some people out there who really function best when they have everything planned, and then there are others who never commit, and prefer to go with the flow, thus alleviating unwanted stress or added pressure. I fall somewhere in between.

I used to be the type of person who made a commitment and that was that. No questions about it. I was taught that commitment means reliability, punctuality and responsibility, not to mention good manners. And I used to feel good about myself for staying loyal to my every word. But the older I’ve gotten and the more I’ve been up and down in the flow of life, the more I’ve learned that what may seem like a great idea one day, isn’t a fit at a later date in time. My energy changes every second, so I really have no idea what to expect on any given day or in any given situation. This is something that cannot be predicted or planned, no matter how good our intentions are. And life is too short for me to waste time doing something that’s not feeling desirable at the moment.

In recent years, I’ve begun respecting my energy more by honoring what my body/mind/soul needs IN THE MOMENT. If I make plans with friends a few weeks in advance, which is often the case, and that day rolls around and I am NOT “feelin’ it,” then I bow out. Some friends seem to respond negatively to this, letting it mess up their entire day and looking for someone, or something to blame for the chaos.  Others are like, “oh, that’s cool. I’m not feelin’ it today, either.” Or “hey, no worries. We can catch a movie and dinner any time,” and there are absolutely no hard feelings. My friend Jen and I went to dinner last night to catch up. Our “plan” is to get together once a month and we last met in February. When March rolled around, we set a date. On that day, one of us texted the other and asked if we could postpone. No worries. Then April came, and we did that again. Finally, on May 4^th, we met, and we had a GREAT time connecting. And we both arrived late, to boot!

Life is too short to worry about trivial things. If plans get changed, then we must adapt. There is no sense is crying over spilled milk. I’ve noticed how many people take things personally when someone cancels, or doesn’t show up to an event or gathering at the last minute. It continues to amaze me. Sure, I am an avid social organizer myself, and I am, of course, disappointed when someone ends up not making it, because I love everyone that I’ve invited and I want to spend the time with them on that particular occasion, in the spirit of merriment. Yet, after I’ve allowed myself to feel briefly sad or disappointed, I move on. I understand that someone may have caught a sore throat or a cold, or suddenly have friends in from out of town, or a babysitter cancel, or their child is sick or the weather is bad or they have to work or they Just.Don’t.Feel.Like.Going.Out.. I acknowledge this, and then I move forward, enjoying the guests who ARE present. And sometimes, I even cancel my own events! If I am not in a good energetic place, it is for the good of the all and in the best interest to those that I care about, to lay low during that time. In my experience, forcing yourself to “keep your word” and “show up” often results in a less pleasurable experience than if one does not attend at all. The energy that you bring to the table, if you really don’t want to be there, is not transparent, and others are affected by it. So, would you rather be in an awkward situation, just so everyone can be checked off the roll call list, or would you rather honor what you/your body need, and reconnect with those people/friends at another time when the energy is right, and you can both enjoy it?

The funny part is, many of us spend so much time getting bent out of shape over who does or doesn’t keep their word that we lose the focus entirely, and we begin to take it personally. This is a slippery slope and can lead to many misunderstandings and unclear expectations. Keep your communication lines open and clear. Chances are it has nothing to do with you. And you need to respect where that person is at in the moment, and be at peace with where you are. The two energies need not collide. Move onto something else! You will probably find that you will be better suited for another activity anyway, since your energy has already changed.

What really concerns me is that we have been so conditioned to believe that it’s more important to let ourselves down than to let others down. And I am here to tell you, LOUD & CLEAR…that SELF-CARE DOES NOT EQUAL SELFISH! Get that out of your head right now and you will feel like a weight has been lifted. Listening to what we need in any given moment is our responsibility to ourselves, and we should feel no shame in this. If you said yes to a social networking event that sounded like a great idea three weeks ago, but are feeling edgy and drained throughout that day, chances are, you are probably trying to talk yourself into going, for any number of reasons. “Well I RSVP’d, so I have to go,” or “Well, so and so will probably be there, and I know I should swap business cards with them,” or “I’ll feel fine once I’m there. I’m just being lazy. I better force myself to go,” and then we put on our happy face and try to appear as though we are on the top of our game, when really, we’d rather be at home watching NCIS reruns on the couch, or spending quality time with our pet or spouse, or simply going home to a quiet, empty, crowd-free environment after a long, stressful day.  Maybe you have a headache. Maybe you’re tired. Maybe you aren’t in the mood to “dress up for the occasion.” Perhaps you had an experience that day that was unexpected, and that left you in a very calm, peaceful, meditative mood and you feel more inclined to go home and paint or write or sing or read. Perhaps it’s a rainy day and you’d rather sip coffee in front of the fire with your lover. Whatever the case, you don’t owe anyone an explanation! You just owe it to yourself to be honest in your choice, and to gently communicate that choice to those whom it concerns.

Self-care is something that takes work and practice. And as we learn, we probably will encounter some awkward situations.  They are growing pains, for all of us. But don’t’ let that discourage you. It gets to be an exhausting “J.O.B.” when we can’t let just to go to our happy place as often as we’d like, because we feel that other obligations take precedence.  Do what feels right to you. Redefine your boundaries. Do whatever it takes to stand squarely in your power. If YOU are not happy, not enjoying it, or not “feeling” it, then there’s not necessarily always a good reason you have to do it. Simple as that.  Stop feeling guilty, second guessing or trying too hard. It either feels right or it doesn’t.   It’s Intuitive and honest. And we can’t expect, nor do we need everyone around us to understand. We are all on our own journeys, and we need to respect that in ourselves, so that we can respect that in others. In time, everything works out. That is the beauty of energy. It always keeps moving and it is resilient.

It feels so much better when you can acknowledge disappointment, but then let it go and look at the next best option, because there always is one, and it almost always works out for the best in the long run. The more we try to control things, the less we can see. The more we let things go, the more open we become. We are humans. We were born to adapt. This isn’t to say that we aren’t allowed, or justified in feeling hurt or let down or disappointed; however, it’s up to US how much we choose to let that keep our own energy level down. After all, we are giving our power away to another if we are allowing them to affect our energy levels in detrimental ways. They are renting space for free in our heads! We are the landlords; we choose who and what we allow in, and when!

So, as we head into summer, a busy time, full of vibrancy and endless options, I encourage you to choose wisely, from moment to moment. Take stock in where you are, what you need, what you want and who/what will best support you in that at this moment.  Let yourself have the freedom to be flexible, to honor your needs, and partake accordingly. Let other people deal with their own stuff. If you honor yourself, you will be honoring others as well, and you will also be setting a fine example of self-care. Don’t confuse this with expectation, obligation, commitment or guilt. Just know that you are allowed…scratch that, you were BORN to enjoy life, and you can’t plan joy. So, let it find you, and go with it wherever it takes you, and let others do the same. When your paths are meant to cross, you can share joy together in those moments. If not, then trust that there is definitely another purpose intended for you at that moment, so embrace it and see where it takes you!

Spring Cleaning: An Inside Job

Spring cleaning. It isn’t just for the home. We have lots of clutter that builds up in our minds, our bodies  and our spirits. Time goes by so quickly, and we are changing so fast. We evolve a great deal just in one day; we get busy, and we lose track.

This time of year, it’s easy to feel compelled to freshen up. We are moving out of winter hibernation and that which lay dormant in us for months is now ready to reawaken, energized for a fresh new beginning.  Even nature, with its cleansing rainfalls, warmer temps and lush greenery is calling us to stand up, shake ourselves off and head outside for new possibilities. The longer, lighter days beckon with potential and frivolity.  Excitement and anticipation lay on the horizon as we prepare for the busyness of summer. It’s a transitional and transformational time, and we are ready for a new season of our lives to begin.

I encourage you to take this time and clear out the old energies that no longer serve you.  What may have provided an extra layer of protection during the winter is no longer necessary.  What was hidden in darkness has now surfaced and is ready to be illuminated. Honor that, go with it and embrace the newness of it. The cleansing of our bodies and souls is a natural process, and the more attention and awareness we give it, the more we can enjoy it. Even a daily shower is a cleansing ritual, and as we wash ourselves clean of yesterday’s “stuff,” we feel lighter, rejuvenated and ready for opportunity. It’s often hard for us to part with things, even the intangible things, but once we do, we know that we feel better. Think of it like a rummage sale: you no longer need those items, but someone else may benefit greatly from them and enjoy them in a whole new way. If we can thank and bless whatever it is we are letting go of, knowing it has served its purpose, we can lovingly send it on its way.

Don’t we enjoy the scent of a fresh rain? The smell of blossoming flowers? Let’s view ourselves in the same way. We, too, are blooming into a new phase of our lives as we let go, shed our skin and open up to possibility. Don’t’ fight it. Don’t hide it. Marvel in it! You may want to discard old items that are taking up space, call an old friend that you haven’t seen in a while, or step back from a relationship that is bogging you down.  Perhaps you are ready to commit to going green, volunteering for that cause you have been talking about or going on a vegetarian diet. Going through our closets and cleaning our homes is much like going through our minds and detoxing our bodies. The less we think about it and the more we trust our intuition, the happier we will feel and the more we will accomplish. Plus, you never know what you may find buried under that pile or hidden under all that dust! So, go out and revel in the magic!

Need some motivation? As a co-author of the new book, “Amazing Woman, What’s Your Story,” I encourage you to consider purchasing this workbook, full of real-life transformational stories and do-it-yourself exercises. Available on Amazon.com and also at: http://marshengle.com/new-book.

 

Under Construction

In the last month or two, it seems my journey has led me all over the place, unable to follow any well-known, safe routes without encountering some sort of chaos along the way. In fact, I’ve often been steered in a different direction, only to come back and find that the original, well-known path has been forever altered, though parts of it may always remain the same.

Through this part of my journey and series of events, I’ve found myself “under construction.” Things inside are being torn down and put back together, reworked, and repaved. Things like beliefs, identity perspective, connection with others, the ways in which I approach and understand things in life, and most of all, the ways in which I truly find and express my own personal joys.

Often through sorrow we gain strength. Often after pain, we experience joy. Both have been true for me as I’ve continued to navigate through this restructuring process. If only I’d have seen more “Danger Ahead” signs… truth is, maybe they were there and I just never had to deal with them. Maybe I couldn’t have avoided taking a path that was being reworked, having to force my way through, somewhat reluctantly, very much confused. There was really no choice I had. I wasn’t in the driver’s seat for all of the events that occurred, and I had to keep watching, listening, moving through it, no matter what upheaval had to be endured.
I would have to say that my aunt’s illness was the prompting of this beginning. Though knowing that she was battling cancer for two years, her last days were ones of great awakenings for me. I of course felt sad, but it didn’t stop there. I began to think about my entire family, and the relationships that I share (in whatever form that takes) with each of them, and also noticing how they relate to one another. Not that I’d never paid attention to this before; however something was much more poignant this time around. It got me to thinking. It brought up a lot of childhood feelings for me, of things unresolved that I had thought I’d let go of, yet that needed further closure, further expression and prompted some sort of current action, in the here and now, as a 30-year old woman rather than a wounded 8-year old child, confused pre-teen or 18-year old rebel.

I was forced to become that much more aware of my own mortality, which led to many thoughts, questions and reactions. I cried thinking of the distance I share with many of my family members, wishing I knew how to relate to them better, to have them better understand me, yet unsure of the answer. Though what consumed me most was love. Unconditional love for each member, especially those in my aunt’s immediate family, and the sadness I felt for them, the way I wanted to reach out to them. In doing so, I had to face my own fears and let go of my own issues. The reactions were and are a bit hard to read, and at a time like this, who is really in their “right” mind? Hence, transition was taking place for all.

I then began to think about my own parents and first, of course, experienced the gratefulness that they are both still alive and that I have them both in my life. I looked at my father and wondered how he was dealing with losing a sister, how he felt about life, what would it be like if it were him rather than my aunt about to leave the planet. And so the emotional part of me took over. I cried tears of sadness, it seemed, for everyone around me, including myself. Even those who weren’t part of my family, but who’d also begun to share stories of those close to them that they’d lost. You learn a lot about people when they open up about things like this. And then that particular time (June 2009) ended up accumulating more death than any month I can recall being aware of in my lifetime - in terms of people I personally know, and people they know. I was dumbfounded at constant news of death. And in the midst of it all, trying to figure out how to make my life more valuable RIGHT NOW and also how to make my relationship with my parents and those around me even better became a prominent force.

Sometimes we don’t always know how to get what we wish for, and that’s okay. We don’t always need to know how. In my case, I wanted to get closer to each of my parents. This was, as I said, a time of restructuring. It seemed that the more reactions I had, the more they had, and now, adult to adult, looking at them and back at myself, how we think on things, view things, value things, and where our beliefs lie, it became even more clear how different we were. No matter how much I yearned to get closer, in some ways that just wasn’t or isn’t possible, at least not in this moment. My intentions are pure and good, but that doesn’t mean that it’s any easier to understand one another. Just because my aunt passed away didn’t, unfortunately, mean that my parents and I would miraculously begin to treat each day as so much more of a blessing. I will say that we have, in our own ways, been constructing our lives in such a way that I think we are all trying to not only better accept the other, but better accept ourselves, and be able to express who we are.

Dealing with such intense emotion brought forth in me such a profound sensitivity of all people and things around me that I was almost in a comatose state for a while, unable to be social or even articulate to others what I felt. This is unlike me. Those that know me well know that I either need to be writing about or talking about what I’m processing in order to work it out. But not in June 2009. That month I spent a lot of time with myself. I did talk to a few select people, and in fact, some relationships were strengthened during this process, and those were shockingly clear. For those, I am grateful. Others…were a bit harder, and continue to be more complex as the journey continues…which leads me to thinking not only about where I invest my time and energy, but where I feel most supported, and where I experience the most joy. Life’s too short not to really think about these things, and they are what help us to fully LIVE while we ARE alive.

Time heals all things, they say. I believe time is healing right now. It’s as though an open wound is trying to finally scab, and in order for me to let that happen, I need to stop picking at it. This was a delicate art of balance and was hard to manage during a personal time of inner questioning and turbulence. Who could I talk to? Who could I trust? Who was there for me, even though others needed support as well? After all, how can you support someone else if you aren’t supported? All of this goes on in our daily lives, but it was heightened for me during this particular time.

As you know, construction zones are often dangerous and you have to watch where you step, be careful of how fast you go and pay attention to the signs. I began to see, again, a pattern of friends who were not there for me when I needed support the most, and those who were. I noticed in what way friends showed up and what they had to offer. Some of it worked for me, some didn’t. Just like with my parents. Though they may think they are offering support to me, I may not feel that I’m getting what I need. It’s all a matter of personal perception. As always, everyone’s own past and current journey is a direct reflection of how they react to another. Sadly, this doesn’t always make it easier and isn’t always easy to grasp.

And so this time was about really getting to learn, even more deeply, about who I am, and thus, who my parents are, who my friends are, as people. As like individuals who are living on the same planet with me during this lifetime, experiencing the same things, and yet having their own reactions. I was curious, confused, ashamed, afraid, courageous, caring and joyful all at once during that month. What a crazy combination! The minute I thought I had a handle on something, another incident would happen to throw me for a loop. While I was connecting deeper and deeper with certain people, voids were growing larger with others. Being aware of this, I continued to go inward and ask myself what my truest feelings and intentions were. I always came back to love, joy and understanding. The themes of my life, I think, although not everyone may see that. Sometimes, though, like in June, getting to those places involved first visiting their polar opposites: anger, sadness, misunderstanding. And how was I interpreting the anger, sadness and misunderstanding of others?? It became not just about me, but about me in relation to and in connection with those around me.

Though the focus was on my aunt at first, it began to shift as I knew that her life on earth was coming to a close. It became about those of us who would remain here, myself included. It became about life in general, hence, those who are a part of mine, what I want out of mine, how I’m handling mine, and most of all, what I’m doing before it’s my time to say goodbye.
I had to really let a lot of love out of my heart during this time, but before the love came confusion and anger, which also had to come out. I really felt as though I was “under construction” as I continued to be amazed every day at the new ways in which things would unravel in my life and how important messages and connections revealed themselves. It was as if I were in a dream, watching but unable to speak. Sometimes that’s just how it felt. And yet, when I did speak, I found myself asking for some of the same things I asked for as a child. Undoubtedly, some arose from pure innocence and some came from the raw need for love, laughter and joy. Some old yearnings I’d thought I’d let go of had resurfaced, and instead of just chucking them out the window, I did, indeed, restructure them, so that I could value them and hold onto what was important, what was a the core. In doing so, I was able to acknowledge what wasn’t possible, what didn’t serve me or anyone else, and how to move forward while repositioning the pieces that did fit. The puzzle continues to become known to me, every day, in every experience. I don’t know how long I’ll be “under construction” at this particular juncture in my journey. I do know that it’s having a huge impact and I’m learning more than I can articulate.

Today I’m in a better place, having finally released much built-up emotion, claiming childlike feelings as an adult, yet honoring my inner child, and understanding where others come from in their answers/responses/reactions to my questions/concerns/desires. It’s now brought me to a whole new level in my life, and that has allowed me many blessings, yet forced me to let go of some things. Most of all, it has reminded me and helped me to accept certain things in myself and others, without there necessarily being an explanation or even any inclination of how things may go as the process continues. And I feel okay with this. I’ve come to better respect and understand others’ journeys - their navigational tools, their paths, their choices – and it’s proven to be a tough, yet tender teacher as I continue learning more about my own.
In what ways have you or are you experiencing reconstruction in your life? What have you or are you realizing from it? What emotions come up for you when you feel as though your body, mind or spirit has gone “under construction?” and how do you find joy in the journey along the way?

Please, I ask for comments, as I know we can all benefit from universal sharing. So, please subscribe if you haven’t, and share your thoughts and feelings. Joy to you all.

Paving the Way for Purpose on Our Journey

Many of us ask the question: “What is my purpose in life?” and then spend our entire life trying to attain it. I truly believe we are all born with an innate sense of what we are meant to do, whether we are conscious of it or not. It’s about listening to messages, recognizing signs and learning lessons through our journey that lead us to all the right places at the right time for things to fall into place as they were intended. I believe that while we have to take some action, a lot of our purpose comes from within…just envisioning what we are passionate about is part of making our dream a reality. Many things can get in our way – fear, doubt, judgment from others, to name a few – but in the end, it’s our own choice to move ahead and do what we are called to do, to pave the way for our own potential.

Personally, I not only want to live my purpose and experience all the joys that come with it during this lifetime; I also want to leave a legacy that lasts years beyond my mortal existence on this planet. Having been in a bit of a “stuck” place on my journey lately (one involving more “being” than “doing,” a place of reflection and processing), I’ve had a lot to think about. I’ve always known I wanted to leave a legacy behind, to be called a legend when I’m gone…even if on a small scale. It’s not about the ego, but about making such a difference that it lasts generations beyond me, to know that the work that I did in this lifetime carries on and continues to impact others who follow.

As a writer and highly emotional/sensitive person, this last month has been very difficult for me as I have had to process an array of intense emotions. I was blocked in my writing, laid low and though I felt a lot, I could not always articulate it, nor have the energy to do anything about it. However, it was the death of my aunt and most recently Michael Jackson which got my passionate juices flowing again, and here I am now, to talk about life, legends and legacies.

All of the artists that have paid respects and spoken of Michael have claimed the same thing: “he’s a legend, a genius, someone that will never be forgotten.” We’ve all seen his abilities and heard his music. Everything from on-stage performances, directing and choreography to posing for photo shoots, not to mention decorating his own home illustrate his immense talents. Michael’s own words were, “I put all I have into my work.” He did this because it meant more than just going through the motions: it meant leaving a lasting impression and having an impact far beyond the present moment. Having things on paper and video are permanent proof of one’s work, and offers others the chance to experience it forever. Years from now people will watch and listen to him and experience what we have had the privilege of experiencing during our lifetime. I think Michael hit the nail on the head when he said that he put everything into his work. As I’ve said many times in my life, we aren’t here just to survive, but to THRIVE. And when you have gifts, you must use them for the greater good.

Look at others like Madonna (yes, I’m using pop icons as examples in this blog) who refused to back down from her own potential - instead, she worked hard to get noticed, make connections, learn and hone her skills and get in proper shape to reach her dreams. She shares many of Michael’s talents, such as singing, song-writing, dancing, choreography, authoring books, even directing and producing as well as acting. All of Michael’s videos weren’t just about singing – they went deeper. They were about substance and held a positive message. They told a story. They served a purpose, other than entertainment.

The month of June 2009 was one of great loss, personally and I venture to say, universally. My family experienced a death, friends around me lost family members, news was told of various celebrities passing, and the list goes on. As a result, I feel heaviness in my heart and in the world right now. We’ve been left face to face with the stark reality of how this forces all of us to examine and view our lives on a deeper level, to take a harder look at ourselves… to dare and ask: What legacy do we want to leave? What are we doing with our lives? Better yet, what are we not doing? And what do we want to be doing?

Perhaps we want to or need to pay homage to those who’ve mentored and inspired us in our lives, those who’ve made a difference in shaping who we are today. Maybe it’s telling significant and important people that we love them. It may simply mean really wanting to live out our dreams and begin to take them more seriously and hold ourselves more accountable for our actions, or lack thereof. Maybe seek a better relationship with our parent, child or spouse; perhaps be better understood by another, or to tell people we are close to how we feel before it’s too late.

All the things that MJ stood for (making things happen, envisioning and acting upon change in the world, breaking barriers, thinking globally, challenging discrimination and racism, being a humanitarian and philanthropist, keeping children in mind at all times, and thinking of how our future generations will be affected – ALWAYS thinking of the future and our impact on it) were exemplified through his God-given gifts and talents. He took risks, faced challenge after challenge in his life, yet still his love prevailed over his fears. How are WE all doing that in our lives? How are we responding to his death, or the death of those close to us? And why does it take death to make us stop and really think about life? Even then, does it have a strong enough lasting effect before we go right back to where we were? Death is a time for us to not only mourn those who’ve passed, but a chance for us to celebrate our own life and regroup, re-focus and rebound in a positive way.

Why so much death at one time? I feel the world is being forced to gear itself up for something huge here. What does this mean to all of us? Why do I feel so strongly moved right now? So emotionally touched? Is it because I’ve had no choice but to have death all around me, as many of us have had? Is it a message that is being shoved in our face and hearts so that we finally take notice, take action?

For someone like Michael Jackson, who was like a soundtrack to my childhood, with whose music I can connect to significant chapters in my life and whose songs conjure up memories on the spot, it’s a collective response that I believe a lot of the world shares with me. I connected and identified with MJ because of his artistic abilities and because I could feel and see the passion, inspiration and meaning behind everything he did and said. He also reflected a huge amount of compassion, and that is what I feel for him. Somebody blessed with that much brilliance and yet cursed with so much suffering and pain. How many people like this do we know, including ourselves? Is this not part of our personal journey toward defining and living our purpose?

We all know there’s a lot of violence out there in the world. And we know that we’ve battled and continue to battle our own issues in life. It seems the world as a whole is always on the defense about something, rather than focusing on love and pure intentions. We are facing our own obstacles every day, as Michael did. What are we doing to overcome them and use our gifts/realizations for the good of all? So many levels are touched when a tragedy occurs (and I don’t just mean Michael, although someone of his status brought the world into a collective mourning). How many of us want to live our gifts and end our pain, but find so many reasons/excuses not to?

It’s sad when anyone dies. Experiencing the first death in my family this past month hit me on a lot of levels, and I found it interesting to observe how my family dynamics worked around it, how everyone reacted. It got me to thinking, “how well do we really know one another and what we stand for?” I was shocked at the sad reality that we often do not, indeed, know others as much as we could – therefore, connection is often lost, purpose not always on track. I’ve heard of many celebrities passing throughout my lifetime, but again, nothing of this caliber. Both my aunt (who passed away after a two-year battle with cancer) and Michael, not to mention countless others were too young to die, in my opinion (and in Michael’s case, perhaps on account of incompetent doctors). My aunt’s death and the deaths of my friends’ family members, feels unnecessary. Farrah Fawcett’s battle with cancer is another great example. In the case of MJ, here’s a guy whose emotional suffering and trauma was too much for him to handle. Another Elvis scenario all over again, and one we may never know the entire truth about.

I look at all of these people that we were blessed to share the earth with for just this short amount of time and I honestly feel my own mortality like never before. I have no idea what it would be like if I died, but I’d like to know that I left something behind. Something that made a difference, as I believe everyone who has passed did. My aunt left a legacy in her teaching, by impacting the lives of students, as well as her own family. Michael left a legacy that will carry on, no doubt, for generations to come. Life is a blink of an eye and we get but a glimpse of our time on earth before it’s gone.

I think of the words of wisdom my aunt left with her students (lessons on how to be successful and happy in life, how to stay true to yourself), and I think of the lyrics behind many of Michael’s songs (from gangs and ghettos and standing up for yourself, to taking the positive road, even dating, racism, global connection, man’s connection with nature and animals, concern for children and bringing out the little boy in him that had so long been lost). I see him trying to be a father figure to children that he wanted to save from what he went through. I think all that was passed on to family members left behind in this month of June 2009 all across the world and anyone before and after.

In some instances, such as my aunt and Farrah’s, a battle with cancer is beyond our control and an awful thing to deal with. We can only try to understand it. For others like Michael, we see a pattern of self-destructive behaviors that lead to their demise. In either case, it’s a tragedy, and those that love them can only stand by and watch. It brings me to the realization that there are people alive in our lives that also carry on self-destructive patterns and /or never reach their full potential, and it makes me feel that much stronger about my purpose in helping people.

Through all this heaviness and heartache, I’ve been feeling my own purpose gaining more momentum and strength. I’ve been listening more, resisting less and having the courage to take what may feel like risky steps just to “be who I am” on a daily basis, working toward what I know is the legend that I want to leave. For me, it’s the written and spoken words. My blogs, my books in progress, my future speaking endeavors, the groups that I’ve led which have helped me to both give and receive support and understanding, a higher learning).

And as I ponder my own purpose, I ask you to really decide if you are paving the way along your journey every day, working hard to create what you want to leave behind, to make a lasting difference, or are you letting something get in the way? Now is the time. Not tomorrow. Not once you have “more time” to do what you really want to do because of the “shoulds” that you need to get done first. Not when that check comes in or when you’re able to get a promotion or move or lose 20 pounds. Not when you “get that break” or meet the right person or have that degree or “get over your issues.” Perhaps those are components, steps along the way…but those things are what are leading you along your path right TO your purpose. It’s RIGHT NOW that you are LIVING your LIFE and in every moment you have the opportunity to BE the legacy that you are and were meant to be. In every action, every word and every thought, you are creating. I challenge you to create and live your legacy beginning NOW!